So, today I freaked out a bit.
I was lonesome on the weekend. First bf was being his introverted self and not talking to the world. I don't care about the world, he wasn't talking to ME.
Which he does from time to time.
But I also haven't had much fact time with Current bf, and I was lonesome. I'm wrestling with my mountains of stuff. I'm not great at 'taking care of myself.' Even on good days. But I've been making myself stay home and 'clean.' And I'm making progress. It's just so slow. [I'm not a hoarder, but sometimes I watch that show to kick my butt into gear.]
And today at work was very hard. I got a new employee (and have no clue or experience how to welcome one ~ I have no formal/proper training as a supervisor, and without that, I'm very reluctant to comment. I know my subject matter, like a glove; but management, not so much.). Plus, every day we go in there's some kind of bad/difficult/horrific/life altering/mind-numbing news. Mondays are exceptional for that sort of thing.
So, I called Current bf and persuaded him to join me for lunch. So sweet. We had wonderful time. He loves to laugh and always has comedy on his eye-tunes. I went back into work with Jonathan Coulton in my head, crooning Baby Got Back. How can I look at my office and not laugh, with that going on?
And First bf did write this morning, and that was comforting. Current bf told me (tonight) that he called First bf, and did mention that I was concerned because I hadn't heard from him. I love that my men are problem solvers. I'm'a need to learn to be more careful what I say. It's odd. They both told each other they'd been avoiding the world; and both agreed they should hang out. Which was uber comforting to me.
So, enough about the good stuff.
At lunch, Current bf was talking about going to pay his rent (we live in the same apartment complex, different apartments) and talking to the office ladies about me and a one bedroom. I'm living in a three bedroom (where I used to live with him) by myself, and he moved to a one. I've been pestering them for a one bedroom for a while now. He mentioned one next to him was open. He was saying if they didn't have one, he'd move into an upstairs and I could have his downstairs (I can't live upstairs).
Against all the better judgement I have in me, I said 'so you don't want to move back in with me?' [remember: I'm the one who booted him out. He didn't want to go in the first place. But neither did he fight me on it. He was ready to go.] He didn't even hesitate, 'I'd LOVE to move back in with you.' And we had some conversation about it. I heard him acknowledge he'd need to change some stuff. And yes, I'm not falling for that one again. When he changes, he can move back in. Not before.
Anyhow, I percolated that all afternoon; shared with a friend; perked some more. I realized that what he wants is a roommate, who he can fuck on occasion. (and by occasion, I mean about half the federal holidays)(srsly)
And what I want is a partner.
It's helped me a lot, reading here about people's struggles with what they want. What they think they want, what they discover they don't want, and all that.
He's not ready to be a partner. He doesn't particularly want a partner. I feel sad that we don't match in that.
Enough of the sad stuff. On to the really terrifying stuff.
So, when we were having conversation about him moving back in, he said the cool thing was that we'd get the better bed (he bought a new bed when he moved out and it's better than the one I kept). He was speculating on what we might do with the old one. 'Maybe we could put it in the guestroom.' <NR's heart stops> 'You know, for guests, like First bf' <NR's soul collapses in hysterics>
I want to, I really want to, and I have such a hard time even imagining what it might be like to sleep with one of them while the other is in the next room. I read Phy's blog and think that sounds so fabulous and how much I would love to do that with my men. But he says that and I wig out!
I said, 'you know First bf would never live with us unless he had the apartment over the garage.' and he agrees.
AH! just checked my email. First bf is coming to visit. Will be interesting to discuss with him. And I believe we're going to a party. I've actually got no idea how he will respond to the potential of sleeping with me in the guest room if Current bf is in the bedroom.
There's also the Robert Rimmer way, and I can stay in my bed and send Current bf to the guest room. If I'm going to be the Queen, I'm going to be the damn Queen!
I think I'm up too late.