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Old 04-02-2012, 09:14 PM
OutsiderLookingIn OutsiderLookingIn is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2

First of all, I'd like to extend a thank you to all of you that did reply, as I wasn't quite sure what type of a response I would get (if any) being both non-poly, and a new member of the forums. I have read and re-read all of the posts, bookmarked all of the links provided, and plan on reading as much as I can to better my situation with my wife.

As for the general consensus, I will have to agree with the majority of you that I view the current actions this man has taken with my wife as psychologically abusive. However, any such expression of such a view point from me to her is not taken kindly. She has, and more than likely will, defend his position for him. It does not mean that she doesn't see it for herself tho, as she did tell me when the whole situation came up, she started to think if she was making a mistake being with him at all. All I know from this current predicament is from her, as since this has all happened, I am refusing to speak to or with him.

She has also expressed that she does not wish for our relationship to be that of a sub/dom one. According to her, she is happy with our marriage as is. Any such attempts from me otherwise has been and will continue to be frowned upon, not to mention discussed with him as a form of intrusion.

The more specific questions below:

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What did the ex wife say about him? It sounds like he has some issues about control to work out.
From what my wife told me, not much. She got his side of the story years later after the divorce, probably during the past 6 months they have been talking. As for his ex-wife, all I'm certain about is they have no salvageable relationship, even for the sake of their children. According to my wife, he told her there was control issues in the marriage, but they were mainly hers, and she was back and forth as to his Poly lifestyle. However, such statements have to have the source (i.e. him) also considered.

Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
Big question: has your wife done any research about what polyamory is and isn't? If she hasn't, I would suggest that you support her in polyamory by strongly suggesting she start there.
According to her letter, and the time she has opened up to tell me about the months leading up to the letter, most of, if not all of the information she knows of Poly relationships has either come directly from him, or from resources provided by him. I've asked her to explain certain aspects of it to me, and every time she claims she "cannot describe it, but you should just look it up".

Originally Posted by drtalon View Post
Non-violent communication can help, if you have any experience with the idea. Writing letters to me (or just writing her thoughts out for herself) works best for my current partner when she doesn't have the emotional energy/will/wherewithall for a face-to-face discussion.
My wife does prefer to communicate difficult subject matter in letter form. I normally prefer she talks with me about such matters, and letters can be viewed as impersonal, and somewhat cold. However, seeing how she already under a ton of stress due to other outside influences, I have told her if she feels the need to write me letters under she feels more at ease, I would be ok with that. I always reassure her when I ask questions, I'm asking for my own knowledge, and not in an act of confrontation, which is how she has been viewing it as of lately. Our communications about this has been and continues to improve as we do it more often.

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses View Post
I think before she (or you) explore this lifestyle, a sex-friendly, poly-friendly marital counselor is in order.
I had mentioned a couples or marriage counselor to her before. As with a such an arrangement for just her, she is open to the Idea of counseling, but wants a therapist that is knowledgeable of Poly, and she reassured me that any such counseling will not detract her desire to seek out a relationship with this man.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
As a last resort, you could sign her into a psychiatric hospital or ward, citing that she's become a danger to herself as long as you can show proof that she put herself in harm's way. As her husband, you could do that.
I appreciate the input here, however if I'm trying to salvage my marriage, I think having her committed might be pushing the envelope a little too far over the edge.

Any future input is greatly appreciated, and will not be wasted, as I'm doing the best I can with what I'm given.
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