I seemed to of pushed my men to the brink this weekend and don't know how to come back from it. I don't know if I did that or if they were already there. I suspect a bit of both.
PN was a mess yesterday before and after a discussion about the responsibility of our garden and how it is expected to be done and every year. Its like pulling teeth to get it done. The discussion led to other things on his mind. Mostly about his not getting his need to write more (among other things). We had it out until he came to a conclusion that left him happy and me emotionally exhausted, but content that we came away with something positive.
Our discussions influenced Mono who doesn't like our fighting I am sure. He bases a lot of his feelings of reassurance about what we have in our family on how PN and I are doing I think. Far more than he needs to. I think he has been feeling weighed down by all of us and not getting enough independence lately. He is not interested in helping out in the garden either (among other things) and resents that I even bring it up. Lately he seems to resent everything I do from needing to vent about something to even existing in his presents. Even asking him if I should go, if I should stay, what he wants me to do, where I should be is irritating to him it seems like. I seem to get eye rolls over everything I do lately.
Last night we went to visit some friends for a quiet drink and a chat. I went home at 1 after Mono said he wanted to stay the night. I was hurt and disappointed that he wanted to stay as it used to be that he wanted to spend every moment with me. I understood that he needed to spend time on his own and be independent so I left with that in mind and headed home.
I ended up not sleeping until well passed 4 due to my disappointment and sadness. I know it was silly. He is grown man and I never said he had to be by my side all the time. I guess I was just surprised. I don't do well with plans being changed and spontaneous to that level and transitioning to something different than what I expect to happen is hard for me. I lay there and realized that this was MY thing and for ME to get over until I fell asleep.
This morning we had an interview with a journalist of a magazine. We had arranged this time due to time changes and because it was the only opportunity for awhile to get us all in one place. Mono didn't show; even though he said he would be home by then. To me its a sign of the future. I have discovered that I need to do things on my own and stop expecting and relying on anyone doing things with me. I live in a house of independent people. I will be also and not expect that we do anything together any more.
Having three partners does not mean that I will always have someone by my side. In fact I had the experience of having someone by my side more often when I was monogamous. Having many partners does not mean things get done around the house. It does mean that when I need support I get a lot, but when it comes to giving it to all at once I have to give three times as much energy. Most of the time I am giving three times as much energy to all of them than I get in return even if I am receiving a lot also. Its more of everything. I ask for more and I receive more and I give more. Huge amounts come and go from me and into me. It overwhelms me most of the time.
This winter has brought changes that I didn't expect. I'm exhausted by them. Exhausted deep inside of me. I don't think I can continue on with this actually. I really think that I might just lose my mind. The more I am unable to cope, the more I feel what I have built slip away. I don't have the capacity to hold it together any more. The responsibility has become too large. I love my life and all my loves, but with PN going through stuff, Mono going through stuff and feeling like I have no idea what is going on for Derby at all.... as she doesn't say much... I have nothing left for me.
Someone told me that they see me as the emotional caretaker of the community this last week. She saw that I was vulnerable emotionally in a moment where I expressed what I was afraid of and why I find it hard to trust sometimes. Apparently I am not suppose to be the one that is on the verge of crumbling as I am seen as the solid pillar of strength for a lot of people. Well, I'm not. I never have been. Right now I am certainly not in a position to be a pillar for anyone, yet its expected from everyone and people come looking for me for that strength.
I was hoping for some rest this weekend. Or at least some work done that doesn't require emotional energy. I used up my physical and emotional energy. I am starting a work week more drained than I feel at the end of a work week.
I'm going to Vegas at the end of this week. Three nights left until I go. I might not come back. Running away seems about the best option right now as I am afraid to stay here.
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-02-2012 at 06:50 AM.