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Old 04-02-2012, 01:48 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

"For example: two nights ago, i had the opportunity to have a sum of six with them and a few other close friends. Mr. D asked me if i wanted to, and if my lovelygf was ok with it. i called her (asshewas somewhere else) she said no, and i did nothing sexual with them.

Unfortunately, my honesty and openness doesn't seems to matter to her. I feel like the only thing which matters is that i even considered the sexual activity at all. i feel as though rewards are not being granted, nor is honesty being rewarded. only negative consequences, honest and open or not."

What do you consider a reward in this circumstance, and what do you consider a negative consequence? If the answer is that the reward you're seeking is a "yes" from her, that's just not fair. She may owe you respect and trust for your honesty, but you have to in turn respect her honesty if she says "No, I'm not ready for that" and let her know that it's ok to say "no". If a "no" to you is a negative consequence, then you're misunderstanding what mutual honesty and openness means. Honesty is not a tool to get your way, it's the basis for an authentic relationship.

On the other hand, if you feel like your honesty is met by distrust and withdrawal from her, that's a real problem. If so, you can ask her why she reacts that way, and if there's anything you can do to set her more at ease. For instance, if she feels like her "no" is met with anger by you, whether that's how you actually feel or not, maybe you can figure out what actions or words of yours might be making her feel that way so that you can change them and build better feelings between you two.

As for your original question, well... what do we have to judge people on if not their pasts? Are we supposed to ignore any potential warning signs and just wait for things to blow up in our faces? I'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with someone who has a questionable past, but letting someone new into your intimate life can be a scary thing in the best of circumstances, and I think it's ok to be extra discriminating when sex and maybe even love are on the table. Who you get involved with has a huge effect on you.

And why should they get the benefit of the doubt if she's sure she overheard something so disrespectful? If they really are shady people then of course they're going to show a different face when they know that you and/or she are listening versus when they think it's just them. Confronting them about it wouldn't necessarily prove anything, after all they could just lie.

There are other couples out there. Even if there were no questionable past and no overheard comment and it was JUST that she got a super bad vibe from them it would still probably be best to walk away. When it comes to sex and love, you want to be involved with people you both really trust!
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 04-02-2012 at 02:20 AM.
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