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Old 04-01-2012, 09:39 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Unfortunately I don't have much time to read/write here anymore, but I think I might try to keep up with my own blog even if (despite best intentions) I can't manage to read everyone else's.

Recently shifted countries ~1 1/2 months ago, so now long-distance with Carob - my other relatively long-term partner. It's a bit like standing on the other foot.

I do seem to have difficulty putting things into words sometimes. Maybe it's because I seek the perfect phrase.

For example, when explaining to people why I was leaving town (before I headed away) my explanations seemed to falter. Many years back, when I was in high school, I decided it was dumb to move cities just to be with a boyfriend/girlfriend and I promised myself I would never do this. And here I am breaking my own promise. Quitting a job I like, leaving a place I love because someone misses me and I miss them back.

Well, it's pretty basic when you put it that way but it seems overly sentimental to me (as in, it didn't really communicate what I was feeling). But yesterday as I was writing a letter to a friend, I unconsciously summed it up perfectly. I said "Just moved over here to keep Sage company." Yes! That's pretty much it It wasn't an unbearable aching (well, not always), it was just a really wanting to be together.

This is the first time since Carob and I got together that we have lived in different places. I've travelled quite a bit, so been away before (for up to 3 months at a time) but it's a distinct feeling to be settling down somewhere else. The missing feels more acute, like growing apart is more of a possibility.

C's heading over here in two days to visit for a week and a half! Couldn't be sooner. Really craving touch. Recently he got together with a friend of his who I also know and like. She's lovely. It's the first time for me facing the role of the Old Relationship partner in a new relationship. So far it's been okay but it's fairly new.

Not having had the experience of that perspective, I've had this fear that I wouldn't be up to the task. That despite my hopes for myself, I would actually get insanely jealous if anyone tried to share my precious toys with me for real. It's fine to play, but don't forget it's going back in my toybox once you're done.

As much as I worry that I'm deep down a hypocrite, I worry more than I won't have the guts to admit that to myself if it is true. Like, I will pretend that I'm not feeling conflicted if I am.

I don't think either of these are serious fears... If I thought it was likely I'd be this way, I wouldn't be in these relationships. Nonetheless, I would really like some evidence of my ability to deal Seems like I might be about to get it.

As a side note, my eagerness to find out whether this poly deal was viable used to make me feel overly enthusiastic about my partners finding new partners. I was curious about whether the dynamics would work, whether we were all strong enough... and maybe also knew it would take the social pressure off me in terms of other people's judgment. None of these good reasons to rush other people into other relationships! (Well, there's probably no good reasons actually). It was a funny impetus to recognise, and quite simple to squash thankfully.

I'm in a big city now and there's quite a poly community here. Went to a discussion group a couple of weeks ago; very illuminating. Like this forum, but in person. I just sat there melting happily into a chair.

Hope y'all doing well
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