View Single Post
  #6  
Old 04-01-2012, 07:44 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,882
Default

It sounds like your approach has been to say, "I am poly. I want to have poly relationships," and when an opportunity comes along to have sex with someone else, you then say to your girlfriend, Genebean, "You know I am poly now. So is it okay if I go and fuck these people?" and when she says "no," you get upset about it and feel like she's not making any effort. But what effort have you made to make sure your relationship with her is healthy and happy? It sounds like you really want to swing or be open, not poly, because you're very focused on sex, which is not the sole focus of polyamory.

If you truly want to live polyamorously, there is a whole lot of work to do between first stating that you are poly and fucking other people. And that work starts on yourself and your primary relationship, NOT on figuring out how to get permission from her to stick your dick into new holes. There has to be a strong, mutually supportive, healthy, and loving foundation, and that just doesn't seem to be there with the way you are going about it. Genebean has shared here just how upsetting this is for her, how insecure she is, what she sees as your impatience, and how much she feels like you just want what you want and get pissy about not getting it.

So it would probably be better for you two to look at your present relationship and see where it is and isn't working BEFORE you add more people into your life, whether as only sexual partners or for loving relationships. Perhaps, it could even be time for your relationship with Genebean to end. But you need to work on all that FIRST. For some couples, it can take a few YEARS of soul-searching, honest sharing, and very hard self-work for each of you before the relationship can be opened up to others. If you can't or don't want to put that kind of investment into building a strong, healthy relationship with someone you claim to love and cherish, BEFORE taking on other relationships and sexual partners, then perhaps either poly is not for you or your relationship with Genebean is over.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-02-2012 at 01:48 AM.
Reply With Quote