Saturday - Saturation Overdrive
I'm frustrated. I don't know what causes it but sometimes I get in these shitty fucking moods that drive me up the fucking wall. I think it's a combination of things that normally wouldn't make me angry but they secretly build up and then jump out and stab me in the fucking eyeball when I'm not expecting it. God damn ninja frustrations. I have a short temper as it is and when I fight it I usually lose. So fuck. Now what? Oh yeah, I nearly type something hurtful here. Erased.
So the thing I wasn't talking about just in case my wife stumbled on here was Katie's surprise birthday party. It was a sex toy party so girls only. We all went to my friend's house to surprise her, ate, and the boys left to go back to my house. They're only a block away so no big deal. The boys and I play magic: the gathering the entire time and it's mostly fun even though some games are frustrating. I get easily irritated when I don't win but I need to learn not to be such a sore loser. Anyway, throughout the games I was mostly fine even though I fucked up and left my phone somewhere else so I hadn't realized A has texted me and I lost about an hour of time talking to her. Shoot.
Back up the story a little, right before we went over I asked A to tell me yes or no on seeing her in April and to stop making excuses. Excuses I can deal with all day long. A firm yes or no is something I just have to accept. She said no, it's too soon. I understand but it's been chewing at me ever since. During the nerd event I said some shit I regretted although I think it bugged me more than her and then I said sorry for being all pushy and... Ugh. I just really, really like her and our talks and everything. I'm falling head over heels for this girl and I can't figure out why. I asked her to promise me that no matter what we would be friends and she told me not to be silly and then I told her I wanted to meet no matter what. She agreed to that as well. I'm tired of my best friends being people I've never met and I've told her so much about myself recently that I can't see us not becoming best friends even if that's all I can have. I brought up our camping plans and she said as of now that's still on. So good news as far as that all goes, I just need to learn some fucking patience.
My wife texted me somewhere in there and said the party was over and everyone was heading to the bars. By everyone I meant the girls. I wanted to go. No, that's not true. I wanted to be around girls. The testosterone in the room was getting to me. No one was being stupid and we were having a good time but I'm tired of having good times. I want romance. I want affection. I want a LOT more than my wife is willing to give me even on her best days. I feel like even though... Fuck. I don't know. I feel frustrated that when I want hugs or kisses that I'm annoying her. I'm a touchy feely guy. I connect with people by contact, and it's killing me to lay next to this beautiful woman and wish that she were more open to all of it. But she's not. But she's perfectly fine going off with other men because she knows they don't want that. They just want sex and then to be left alone and she knows that's not what I want. Sure I want more sex than what we have too but more than that I want the attention.
I'm rambling and it's late and I'm being dramatic. I need to end this.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith
Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old