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Old 03-31-2012, 09:06 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,836
Default Pregnancy

This actually came up very early in my relationship with Dude.

MrS and I do not have children together. We had a miscarriage about 9 years ago and have not used protection together since - not "trying" but not NOT trying. A few years after the miscarriage I found out I had endometriosis, which decreases fertility/successful pregnancy rates (and hurts like a bitch ) so we pretty much were of the opinion that I was infertile.

When Dude and I got together MrS and I discussed whether I should go back on birth control (which incidentally helps with the pains associated with endometriosis) or if Dude and I should use condoms. A while into the conversation MrS hits the nail on the head "...OR, in your heart of hearts, are you wanting a baby badly enough that you are willing to have a baby by someone else?"

Yes, that, actually. (I can't keep secrets in general, and certainly could never keep something like THAT from MrS).

Dude had no particular interest in being a father. MrS and I approached him with this proposal. We were okay with me having unprotected sex with him IF he was OK with waiving parental rights should I get pregnant (i.e. essentially being a sperm donor) and with not knowing whether or not he was the biological father if that was what MrS and I decided was best for us. (i.e. MrS and I would be the "parents" regardless of who the baby's biological father was - he would be favorite "uncle" or sperm donor depending on the state of our relationship.) MrS asked Dude if he was willing to sign a legal document to that effect if asked. He was.

Long story short - I did get pregnant a few months in...and had another miscarriage. It was rough for all of us. We all pretty much assumed Dude was the biological father (due to frequency of opportunity). MrS had to deal with the feelings associated with having someone else be the biological father of "our" baby - along with the loss of potential fatherhood and a grieving wife. Dude had to deal with the feelings associated with having "fathered" a child (which I think affected him more than he thought it would) - along with helping his best friend and girlfriend deal with a pregnancy loss. I had to deal with losing another pregnancy and helping my husband and boyfriend sort through their feelings.

Actually, though, each of us having TWO people to lean on and support and commiserate with each of us through this period was very beneficial. We each had things going on that we could turn to different people for depending on our needs at that moment. After this I decided that I couldn't put us through the same ordeal again and resigned myself, over time, to the idea of NOT having a baby. I now have an implant (which prevents pregnancy and greatly helps the pain of the endometriosis). Making the decision to "stop trying" has actually reduced the stress in terms of planning a childless future (in the past I would be making plans along the lines of "we are going to do this and this but leave the possibility of THIS...in case I get pregnant...").

I still get sad, don't get me wrong, but I am able to see the positives and appreciate that my boys are willing to back me no matter what.

JaneQ

PS. I may have gotten off-topic in my reply...but I will leave it as it is related to secondaries having kids with a primary...
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-31-2012 at 09:47 PM. Reason: add PS
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