I posted this
nearer the start of my first polyamorous relationship. Unfortunately since then the situation has become more difficult with my metamour, and I have nearly ended my 'secondary' relationship twice because of it.
I have become fairly convinced that my metamour is a narcissist, but my boyfriend doesn't see it, and we end up having difficult conversations because of the way he panders to her every need, sometimes at the expense of mine. He says he appreciates the fact that I am 'easier' but to me it doesn't feel that he does.
Today I have come to the startling realisation that part of the problem is that he
is not a victim of her narcissism, I
am! So no wonder I am feeling so ill at ease about everything. I recognise that this is largely my fault as I am allowing the way she is to affect me and potentially even encouraging her to treat me like this, so my question is, how do I stop this? The standard is walking away and cutting ties, but I don't think that's very practical in this situation, and would mean losing a relationship in which every other aspect is really good. We don't actually see each other (me and my metamour) very often, but we text each other almost daily, and by allowing certain things to happen, I am enabling her behaviour just as much as he is. I also feel a lot of guilt with respect to my negative feelings towards her, which again is my own construct.
Very grateful for any help or advice - I'm almost thinking of going to see a counsellor, I did several years ago and it helped me make great strides, but there are clearly still issues there. I have a massively supportive husband, and my boyfriend is supportive in every way even though he doesn't agree with my viewpoint - he believes this is a temporary thing which she is working to improve upon.