Originally Posted by nycindie
The first things I do is test the waters to see if we're actually interested in each other, and then find out what agreements he's got with his partner(s) to determine how they might affect me. If I felt that their agreements would not impinge upon my freedoms too much, and that this was someone I wanted to pursue (and he wanted to as well), then at that point I would want to be in touch with his wife. I wouldn't wait too long. But I don't see it worth bothering her while I'm still unsure (about my feelings or his). I would assume or hope that he would let her know there's someone he's interested in before I contact her, anyway. You know, "Hey, there's this woman I've been emailing..." or "I met someone I really like..." etc.
That is similar to what I would do. I too also wouldn't mind if somebody I'd been talking to had any important partners write to me to say hi (as long as it was friendly that is). This isn't the situation with this person as your husband already knew her but, I likely wouldn't be meeting someone's wife until after a few dates had happened, unless we hit it off after her emailing me, well enough that we were going to form an independent friendship.
I would make sure to meet a wife or live in girlfriend before the relationship became intimate (didn't do that once, wouldn't do it again). I think if I was newer to poly, I would be more likely to be overcautious, but the truth is, in your place, with these worries you have, I'd express my feelings to my husband and ask if we could meet before they started talking about a potential romance. Dinner, board games, coffee, whatever. I like meeting my husband's interests because they are usually pretty great. I go into these things more interested in if I'm going to make a new friend than worrying about what is going to happen with them and my husband.