I've been lurking here for a while, this is my first post.
By way of intro I'm a 40yo Australian male that had one poly relationship back in the day. I was totally not ready for poly and so I quickly ended up single again.
Whilst my poly experience is _very_ limited, being a man who's insecure about his average sized weiner is something I'm much better versed in.
I feel like I'm a lot better in this regard these days and so I figured I'd post in the hope that some of it may be useful.
Bear in mind that I have by no means completely moved on from this so the whole lot is probably complete bs.
Dingedheart, agreed that sounds like trouble but also agree with this
Anywho, a couple of impressions from a million miles away:
- sounds to me like he's having trouble with poly in general and that the size issue is just one symptom
- over the course of the time together his feelings have developed and deepened for you, so he probably loves you more but is also more jealous
- just because you were upfront about your other lover when you first met your boyf, & and he agreed, doesn't mean he was ok with it then or now. His issue, but if you want to your relationship to work it has to be dealt with and you may need to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
- Are you giving him an opportunity to be the lover he can be? Sounds like you've pigeon-holed him. Experiment a bit with him - toys, positions, kinks, etc. Given his insecurities you're probably going to have to lead the way. This may trigger some negative emotions from him around this issue. It's not much fun being emasculated by a carrot sized lump of plastic. Use this as an opportunity to work throught them, blow him, and then some other time revisit the toys or whatever, it will take patience and persistence.
- equivocating won't get the job done, he will hear your silences and even "you're different" as "yes he's hung like a horse and I enjoy sex with him a lot more", which it seems is actually the way you feel - you need to give him more to work with than this or he'll just spiral into self-loathing
- you should be honest but not brutally so
With the benefit of hindsight this is what I wish my girlfriends had said to me 20 years ago
- yes, he's bigger and if you force me to rate you then I enjoy sex with him more.
- size does matter and there are some orgasms/intensities I can only experience with a larger dick.
- I enjoy this a great deal, I don't want to give it up, if I did I would resent you for making me
- do you feel like it is a chore for me to have sex with you? think back on our lovemaking, do you honestly think I'm not enjoying it?
- why is it important to you that you are the best? This is the real question, and probably the hardest. The rest really is just window dressing. If you can get him to open up about it then this will be a huge relief in and of itself. As always, listening is way more important than speaking. Oh, and no size jokes, ever.
- some girls out there really seem to be size queens. But we're all different. Just because some women claim _only_ to enjoy large cocks doesn't mean we all do. In the words of Taj Burrows, the guys who only go out when the surf is massive are missing out.
- think about women's breasts - sure you like them big but does that mean that you're not attracted to women with average or smaller breasts? Breast/dick size is one piece of the larger puzzle that is sex/attraction and how attracted to a guy you are plays a huge part in how much you enjoy sex. Sounds like he's younger than your lover, doesn't hurt to tell him that even though he's less well hung overall he's more attractive.
- I love Indian and Chinese food. If I was forced to say which one I liked more it would be Indian but I would never want to give up either.
- Tell him, even if is not true, there are things you want to try that your other lover is not willing to.
- Sure there may be a thing as too small but realistically, you're well out of that range.
- I would like you to make me cum like he does and to share that with you. let's buy some sex toys and get a bit imaginative
- In a twisted way this is a blessing, as if you can overcome this insecurity nothing in the world will phase you - the guy with the 21" dick lives in fear of the guy with 22". or the smarter/taller/more intelligent guy (Insert you favourite insecurity here). Transcend this and you will be free.
- Not being insecure (esp about penis size) is one of the most attractive qualities a man can have.
- Having to prove to you how much I enjoy sex every time we have it is a major turn-off and so you fears are self-fulfilling.
- Sex for me is fun, please don't turn it into a bum trip - lighten up and let's enjoy ourselves.
To you, from my male perspective, I would say:
- Don't understimate how central to a mans identity this is, or how hard this is for him. Find a way to say that whilst you can't fully understand how he feels, you know this is very, very difficult for him and that you want to be there with him to work through this as your sex/relationship is hugely important to you - this goes for both size & coming to terms with poly as I suspect they are very closely related.
- Get into his head a bit - think of the thing about yourself that is both very important to you, and that you are very insecure about. Imagine he had another lover that pre-dated you that was a totally awesome in this regard. How does this make you feel? Now imagine it's a reality, and that he's with her right now.
Finally, dealing with this stuff is hard. Wishful thinking and resolve won't get the job done, although they are pre-requisites. Talk with him about trying to find things he could use to help him ovecome this.
Expose yourself a bit and tell him some of the things which you are insecure about and how you would like not to be troubled by them. Make this something you do together rather than just his problem.
In terms of what you can actually do:
- I personally found insight meditation very, well... insightful
- therapy - never tried it myself but others claim it's helpful although meditation is cheaper
- google jeaulousy and insecurity and see what you find. Although he will probably stumble upon this forum and this thread may be a little more forthright than he is ready for.
He may see looking for help as a sign of weakness. I probably would have when I was younger. Explain that being brave enough to face this and work through it is actually a sign of strength & it will make you respect him way more than anything else he could do. Man up and face your fears bucko - is the message.
Ultimately he's got to want to work through it, there's only so much you can do.
By being honest, it means you give him 2 options - either come to terms with it or leave you.
I would be as gentle and careful as I could be in speaking truth about this as his flight instinct may be strong around this issue.
Make sure you emphasize that you love him and see a long term future with him (assuming this is how you feel).
Don't discount the possibility that this will be too much for him and he will leave if you tell him the truth.
If you don't though, you will be condemned to either giving up your lover and resenting it or lying about it.
I'm not sure lying about it will work in the long term, he'll work it out. And as you mum taught you, lying is bad.
Anyway that's my 20c worth. Hope there's something in there for you.