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Old 03-31-2012, 02:37 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
It bothers me very much that someone is thinking about starting something with my husband without even talking to me.

Is this very common, that people outside will just approach one half of a couple and go ahead with their own plan, and not try to figure out who's already in the life of this person?
Hmmm, well, you can't stop people from having thoughts. But seriously, just because she didn't contact you first doesn't mean she isn't aware or respectful of anyone else in his life. It also doesn't mean that she doesn't want to talk to you -- eventually.

I myself wouldn't necessarily go first to the wife of a married poly guy I'm interested in - I'd want to flirt a little with him, determine if there is interest on his part, see if we have some chemistry between us before I talk to her. To me, approaching a spouse first would seem like I'm just assuming he will want to be with me -- and that comes off as arrogant in my mind. I also don't want to feel like I'm asking for permission. All I want from a spouse is confirmation that he is in a consensual polyamorous arrangement and not cheating. I do not date men who have veto arrangements with any of their partners.

The first things I do is test the waters to see if we're actually interested in each other, and then find out what agreements he's got with his partner(s) to determine how they might affect me. If I felt that their agreements would not impinge upon my freedoms too much, and that this was someone I wanted to pursue (and he wanted to as well), then at that point I would want to be in touch with his wife. I wouldn't wait too long. But I don't see it worth bothering her while I'm still unsure (about my feelings or his). I would assume or hope that he would let her know there's someone he's interested in before I contact her, anyway. You know, "Hey, there's this woman I've been emailing..." or "I met someone I really like..." etc.

Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
Is it common to consider people on their own basis as one person, one individual, even though they're married/with other people, and keep everyone separate?
Well, a married couple isn't joined at the hip, there are two people there, two individuals. How else would a person relate to one of them except as an individual?

I don't know how common it is, but being facile and comfortable with it might have something to do with insecurities, age, experience in relationships, etc. I'm a mature person (and what I mean by that is OLD), a grown-up. I only want to partner with people who haven't lost their autonomy in any primary relationships they may have. I'm not into couples, as I am straight and only date men. If a guy is married, I would hope that his marriage is strong and secure enough to handle him being with multiple people, and that they do see that they are not one unit but two individuals. Though I wouldn't mind a polite friendship with his wife, I'm only going to be in relationship with him, after all. But once I am in contact with a spouse, I feel it is important to reassure her that although my relationship with her husband will develop independently and have its own dynamic, I fully respect their marriage (ie., I'm not a cowgirl).

Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
I would definitely appreciate some tips on figuring this one out... how should I try to approach this? =/
Well, you could reach out to her first (if he is interested in her). I thought it was lovely the times when a wife of someone I was flirting with contacted me to say, "Hello, I've heard about you and I'm so happy to see how excited my husband is when he talks about you. At some point I hope we can get to know each other, too." What would prevent you from doing that?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 03-31-2012 at 03:08 AM.
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