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Old 03-30-2012, 08:10 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 373

Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I don't think this is suggested first and foremost often, if ever. I only remember reading/hearing it in the context of, "Oh your partner HATES to cycle, but you love it and wish you had company? Well, since you two already identify as poly (or you do and your partner is supportive) and have a healthy relationship that won't fall apart if feelings develop -because really, feelings often develop when you share something you love with another person- why don't you find someone who enjoys it to do it with you? Then you make a new friend, have someone to cycle with, and if you happen to fall in love, great." I don't think the focus is always on finding another romantic partner, since friends play supporting roles in most of our lives as well.
I see it most often when someone is struggling with coming to terms with the new changes over their partner taking on a new one and see them as discrepancies. Even when it is an obvious situation with an unfair element like "wife is giving BJs and experimental sex to newbie but doesn't and hasn't with me for a long time". I will still see at least one person offer up the solution of finding someone new for themselves to do these things with rather than address the mess of why they have been and continue to get denied whatever it is they are troubled over. I get why people might offer suggestion of why it might have become this way and truly there will be people who point out that its a problem that needs fixed. Just wondering what the folks suggesting adding someone else to the pile are thinking. Divorce is painful. Divorce while one already has someone waiting in the wings is probably even more so. Maybe its much easier if both have someone else they are seeing - I don't know. But shouldn't people who already have a mess sort out whether the first relationship needs to end before beginning a new one? I'd imagine a mess is less likely to get fixed and/or a divorce is more likely to be the solution if they don't. I've noticed that when a relationship ends under these circumstances everyone is quick to point out the mistake in hindsight......

Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I don't "toot over" my relationship with my husband often because I don't struggle with it often. I don't HAVE to focus on the best of times to remember why it's worth working through the bad. Now, if we had a rough spot, you can bet your ass I'd be going over to the success area and bragging about it when we get through it! That doesn't mean I appreciate him any less in real-life, though, and that's the important part. Who gives a shit what I say online? If a partner of mine is putting that much emphasis on the limited details I post on some forum, I think that would severely diminish my opinion of that person.
To each their own. And I don't think a day goes by on any relationship site without someone sounding off about how we're always changing and growing and becoming different somehow. You love your husband right? Are you saying that if your husband read something you posted talking about how great your C is and whatnot and felt the troubled thought of "Huh, km34 never gushes over me to anyone" and brought it to you rather than stewed on it, his reward for communicating his feelings to you would be "Whelp now you've done it; I can't even look at you the same anymore!"
Don't tell me what you think of some ambiguous person you're not involved with who might be troubled over it. Its real easy to assess a situation you're not in and write off some imaginary person you're not involved with right now as unacceptable. Tell me how you'd handle the situation with your husband.
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