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Old 03-30-2012, 05:10 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 373

Yeah.....occasionally there is a glimmering light of awesomeness in both poly and monogamy. So far I enjoy my own situation in poly as much as I found myself able to enjoy being monogamous prior. I still fully believe the style matters little (to me anyway) as long as care, respect and trust are in the mix. Without those, neither is worth a damn.

I'm aware that perusing the forums is going to find more of the drama and lows being reported than what goes on because we seem to share more of the bad than the good. But just as with a site about monogamous relationships, I find really unhealthy attitudes being perpetuated as standard MO for help in navigating what comes up. Such as the commonality for advising a zero tolerance of opposite gender friendship policy on sites with a monogamous flavor. Thoughtless blanket statements offered up as the only good way to go. The alternative opposite I see on places like this is "wish your partner did (whatever)? get another partner!" and no one even blinks. I just wonder why, especially when often filling that want with someone else just shuts down compromise. Such as if B doesn't enjoy cycling because A rides in traffic rather than sticking to trails, A could offer to stick to trails when riding with B but now they cycle together not at all because C doesn't prefer one kind of cycling over any other. Not to make it all about cycling because it could be anything really, but how does the standard advice of finding someone else promote continued compromise - ye olde staple to relationship success?
Or when a secondary (not used for ranking so much as indication of relationship timeline) begins to feel a lack of range or incorporation with a partner later in the relationship. Why are they helped in finding ways to pick apart the relationship(s) their partner in question already has? I know not everyone takes this approach in giving advice but it seems a similarly acceptable way of helping them work through their feelings that I suspect only leads to more strife down the road.
And on the how we share the bad more than the good.....another site has a sub forum specifically set up to share what good stuff people are experiencing in poly. I initially thought it was a great idea. One of my friends who is also in an open relationship actually took tally of something they noticed. Something like 17 pages of posts about the super happy thing going on in the poster's life - the vast majority of which was something about their new partner leaving a small sliver reporting good things in their original relationship that wasn't about how much better the partner was at accepting their new one. I found that depressing and wished she hadn't pointed it out. It made me remember a line from Fight club where Ed Norton's character talks about how having bought his couch means he never has to think about couches again because he has the couch thing covered. You got your original partner locked in so now that good stuff is as celebration worthy as wall paper? Why do people do this and then wonder why they enjoy time with someone new more than time with their now insecurity riddled longer standing relationship partner? Or just as bad to me, think its just "part of the process"? I would be a ton less fun to be around too if everything my partner thought good enough to toot over on a relationship forum was about someone new they were seeing.

Mostly just some stuff that had been rolling around in my head over that last month that I thought would make for an interesting thread topic. I guess I've got whip lash.
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