Well, Curlz picked up on some of my insecurities and we've been emailing back and forth about this subject: my reluctance to open up completely because I fear that to him, I'm just a transitional thing, while he's getting over a rough divorce, and getting ready for a new primary relationship.
He's a really honest and down to earth guy who would never say things just to reassure me. I know that I have to deal with these things myself.. it's my own head playing tricks on me. But sometimes its just really hard.
I'm seeing him again next week (we live in different cities, and work and living arangements make it difficult to see each other more than once a week) and I'm really looking forward to that.. I also know that when I just see him and can hold him and talk to him, most of my fears will melt away.
I met a friend for drinks last night. She's married, but although she and her spouse are a great couple and best friends and will never split up, their relationship has not been sexual for years. They both occasionally have lovers. She was the first person I ever met who told me about living like this, way before my husband and I were talking about opening up our marriage. So I always looked at her as someone with experience, and sort of looked up to her. Last night she made me sad because there seems to be no progress in their situation. Her current lover lives in another country, she says she doesn't have the energy to meet anybody new, and that maybe she should try to make it work with her husband again?
As I was driving home I felt so very grateful for the fact that Ren and I are so close, share so much love, are still physically attracted to each other.. and also grateful that I took, and am still taking, so many bold plunges into unknown depths.
I want to explore so much, and I feel very lucky that I am taking the time and spending the energy on this journey of discoveries. Even though its not always easy.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 years
Bo - BF of 1+ year
Lou & Jane - Ren's girlfriends
Lin - Bo's other GF