I've read the recent responses several times now, and I have a lot to think about. Thank you all for being so genuine, supportive, and challenging. It really is the strength of communities like this, when strangers can speak right to the heart.
I'm still not exactly sure what to write. I feel I should explain that I know it sounds like Charlie is a huge source of pain for me, but he's also the man I love. I want him in my life, even though I know it's the hard road. And I spent a long time with one foot out the door. In the end, I didn't want to fight reality anymore, and I didn't want to wake up every day undecided. I chose him, and therefore I chose poly. It's not my desire, but my choice.
And I still struggle with it, absolutely. But I had to make a choice, and believe that I could make it work, in time. And that's why I come here with a mix of bitterness and a plea for help in how to work with it. I might have made a different choice, and been on a different forum, with different bitterness. I did the best I could, and I've challenged myself to keep trying to make this work till I've truly reached the end of my rope.
We are each flawed, and there was a time in my life that I didn't tolerate this kind of thing. Now, I'm trying to have more empathy for Charlie and Juliet's flaws and be more aware of my own. Jealousy and self-importance are big issues for me, and if I want to work on them, really, I need to keep gently pushing myself into uncomfortable territory. Not dragged there, I recognize, and I think that Charlie and Juliet realize that much more now.
There's a lot more I want to discuss, but life doesn't give me a lot of spare time at the moment. I'm still thinking about the advice people have written here, and will try to write back soon.
And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?