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Old 05-22-2009, 03:28 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

Originally Posted by theque View Post
I have, but I think I did it too soon. I was so caught up in "doing it right" right from the beginning that I don't think I was really truly ready to be as magnanimous and forgiving as I was acting. I balled up as much of that anger as I could and buried it; civilized people don't get angry! Hah, right. And, honestly, I think it was too soon for Him too. So I think that while I meant everything that I said, there was so much unprocessed anger that it wasn't the right time to say it. Does that make sense? And that's been a big challenge for me, I can't figure out what to do with all the anger. I'm tired of fixing doors that I've punched through. Everything that I can think of that "makes sense" seems likely to put me either in jail, the hospital, or the ground...
Yeah, it sounds like you know what you should do, it is just hard to get your emotions on the same page. It seems like you are looking for ways to calm down some of your more intense feelings. I wonder if meditation or yoga or something like that would work. I don't do it, so I don't know for sure. I do try to relax myself when I feel strong emotions coming that I want to come out in a measured way. It is probably similar to meditation or something. I just try to breathe in a slow cycle until I feel enough calmness to continue. i don't know if that would help you or not, but i figured I would toss it out there anyway.

It really frightened me that my anger towards Him was actually increasing, until it reached something of a breaking point last week. Since then we've had some pretty big shifts and events, and I think that's reversed for me, at least a little. When I think about Him now the first feeling is not the white-hot hatred it has been lately. I'm still angry, but it's tempered by other things again. There's sadness and disappointment of course; he was supposed to be my best friend too. So, I also miss Him. So yeah, I think that's a good shift. I hope it's a real sea-change, and we're not just at low tide...
Yeah, it is a double betrayl. That has a lot of hurt behind it. I think the only consolidation you can really try to take from it is that they were not trying to hurt you. Their goal was to be happier, but they probably expected you not to find out. In a sense, everyone would be happier if you never had found out. However, they were probably rationalizing to get to that point.

If they really thought you would find out and be hurt, they would have probably behaved differently. This does not excuse their dishonesty, but it may be a perspective that helps you find forgiveness for them. People are majorly flawed. I think our capacity to love them with these flaws is something truely great. After all, we all have flaws. You may mess up on something and will hope to receive the forgiveness you have been able to give. That may help with the "win" idea.

I'm still not sure exactly what has changed, but for whatever ever reason, a lot of that anger has been bled off.
Some of it could be that time dulls wounds. It could also be that you are growing more confortable with some ideas.

Which brings me to you, all of you that have contributed to this thread. Thanks again for your thoughts and compassion. I feel like this conversation has done more for me than the 6 months of counseling JustMe and I attended. Our poor counselor! She was a wonderful, caring, genuine woman, but I just don't think she was equipped for this sort of thing...
You are in a safe place to say how you feel among people who probably think or understand where you are coming from. This is kind of unusual territory for most counselors.
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