I have an amazing amount of love in my life. Yet so much fear of losing it. And therefore, I spend so much time looking for confirmation that yes, they all still love me, Want to be with me.
With Ren, this is almost easy. We've been together for such a long time. The relationship with his girlfriend has elements that bother me. And yes I am sometimes jealous. (She's beautiful. And not like me, at all. For an insecure person like myself - a huge challenge). But still I feel very safe with him, I don't feel like he could leave me any minute. (I know he could. I just don't expect him to).
With my lovers, its different. I haven't known them long enough to have established that kind of trust and faith. When I don't hear from them I worry. This morning on my way to work I had what I can only describe as a alight panic attack about Curlz. He's single, and going through divorce (but was in an open relationship with his wife for a couple of years). All of a sudden I just KNEW for sure that he would meet someone who he would want to be his primary. And I actually KNEW (ha) that he is going to meet her this weekend.
How irrational can I get? So much for loving without fear. I was reassured when he sent me a lovely and loving little text message later today. But I would so much prefer not to have to rely on this reassurance.
Such a long way to go.
early forties, straight.