Thanks for the insight, GS, but unfortunately these last two days things have not gone so well for me.
I have been inwardly battling with myself for a while about whether or not I actually was falling in love with J-kun. I've been writing it off as a kind of crush thing, trying to take things easy...be casual...be cool. It's been getting harder and harder to ignore and only even harder because we hadn't had a frank discussion about what kind of relationship we could have. I mean I know that he considers me a good friend who he can have sex with...but I wanted it to be more and just was so scared to tell him about it because I don't want to loose him.
Well we're short on money right now and I didn't have enough gas to get home last night and go to class this morning so he agreed (gladly) to let me sleep at his place while he went to work third shift at his new job. As we walked to his car his new fling joined us and it was rather awkward.
I could go into the situation but it makes my stomach hurt. Essentially, hurray for him, he did tell her about us. However, she didn't say anything to me, he let me know later. He said she had asked him (again?) to be her boyfriend...which was kinda like a stab in the heart. He wanted to see how things were going to play out with her, if she wanted to be exclusive, etc. I told him he has to talk to her, because I need to know. He tells me that nothing will change between us, we just can't have sex anymore.
Accept that I've like just admitted to myself in the last 48 hours that I'm in love with him...and now he's going to see someone else; and we can still be friends and that's it. Granted I haven't said this yet, but it was not making it easy on me to hear about this.
Well i didn't want to get into it before he had to go to work, because not fair to him, so I said I had a lot on my mind and needed to talk to him in the morning. He could tell I was depressed and was worried about me, assured me that he cares about me and later after he left sent me a text letting me know we would figure things out and that he wants me in his life.
I spent many hours of bawling alone in his apartment unable to talk to anyone for long because my cell was dead...I was able to talk to my hubby for all of 15 minutes and then was cut off.
When we talked in the morning I got to learn a number of things. Primarily, it's not possible for him to be a secondary. He dates women with the intention of finding out if he would want to marry them someday, not because he just wants the sex. He doesn't want to be a second husband to me, because I'm my husband's wife, and he just doesn't think that way. He doesn't think we could ever be more than what we are now unless I wasn't with my husband anymore and he doesn't want to go through with that, nor does he have the time for that kind of stress.
There is a lot more to be said, but that is the summation. No, we can't be romantically involved; not as long as I'm married. Yes, he already knew I was falling in love with him and he loves me too in a way, just not quite the same. Regardless...I've been doing terrible today. I have to change the way I view our relationship if I want to continue having a friendship without making myself sick over the way I feel for him. I can't change the way I feel, but I can change other things about how I perceive it...but even then..I kinda go...now what?