I can understand what you mean.
I find my self wondering those things as well. I have even been asking myself how to classify what I am looking for.
It seems so much easier in fiction the reality.
The weird thing is that now that I have been researching this I have been applying that research to my past experiences and found that I seem to have longed for it in one form or another.
While some might say that is typical to my gender i find that a stereotypical response.
I have even pulled myself out the "game" for the better part of a decade, I find trying to get back in is daunting.
anyways I felt that i had to express that I understood what you mean and enjoyed reading it.