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Old 11-25-2009, 12:46 AM
violet violet is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Nevada
Posts: 93
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Hello again, everyone!

I don't know if HMA has been posting around here much, but I certainly haven't. lol I figured I'd pop in and let everyone know what's going on.

The entire thing with Anne is certainly done and over with. She's been merrily posting away on her facebook about how happy she is with Mike and such - HMA is more or less over it, I'm not so much. I'm surprised by how much resentment and anger I still have toward her and toward the situation, but it lessens a little more every day. Healing takes time, I guess.

The entire thing with her shook me to the core. Everyday I go back and forth 15 times at least - feeling totally alright and ready for HMA and I, or just one of us, to go start dating, to second guessing that and thinking a V is a better idea, to second guessing THAT and thinking that maybe he should only have FWB, to second guessing even THAT and thinking I want him to be monogamous and never so much as BREATHE near another woman again. lol

As far as it goes for now, I've asked him to - if he finds a girl he's interested in - to please take things VERY slowly with her. I can't handle him being in a serious relationship right now, it's just too soon. I don't mind him seeing other people casually or having a one-night-stand ... I just can't do the emotional thing right now. I'm still healing!

It also really knocked loose some old and set-to-rest insecurities. I don't like who I am right now. It's a struggle for me, and it's straining my relationship with him. I have a LOT of "me" work to do. HMA is helping as much as he can, but a lot of it has to come from within. I'm just sort of tossing myself into wedding planning and work and introspection. He's being very respectful and understanding of the rough patch I landed in, thankfully. We're going to get through this, no problem. It will be work - but we're both committed to it.

Upon being asked by friends, and HMA, where I land on trying an "equal triad" again, I would have to say that I'm thoroughly disenchanted with the entire idea, and have no interest in trying it again despite the thought process that occasionally occurs that indicates differently. I most frequently feel that I'd be the most comfortable in a V situation, where HMA and I's relationship is indisputably primary - and where the other woman and I are friends but uninvolved. She may or may not decide to have other lovers herself, which is fine with me and I'm sure alright with HMA as long as her other partners are informed of the situation. Neither he or I can handle the lying.

I don't think that's much to ask for? Be honest with everyone involved and respect the relationship that HMA and I have? *shrugs* We'll see how it goes as we all move forward.

Lana, if you remember her, our roommate - has been AMAZING through the entire process. She's been there for HMA and I, and also for Anne when she can be. Anne has more or less pushed us all aside though. Ah, well. I know for certain that I will never be capable of being close to Anne again. It's just ... not gonna happen. lol

Hope everyone else is doing well! And another big, heartfelt thank you to everyone who helped me and HMA out with this situation. We wouldn't have been as strong through it, I would have been a FAR bigger wreck than I am now ... you were all so awesome and your support was amazing. Thanks.
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"No lover, if he be of good faith, and sincere, will deny he would prefer to see his mistress dead than unfaithful."
-Marquis De Sade

"Variety, multiplicity are the two most powerful vehicles of lust.."
-Marquis De Sade