So here's the update...... Finally had some quality time with my guy last night and then he stayed until after lunch today. It was great and we did need some repair time. Get this....
So he tells me last night that he was concerned for his SO since we returned from vacation, she was withdrawn. So she finally told him this week that she was upset with him and I. She didn't understand the depth of our feelings for each other. She thought I was being a cowgirl as such with being so touchy,feely with him. She told him that she thought I was catty towards her, in that I would purposely give her my iPad with pictures of he and I left on there for her to see, etc. the problem is that NONE OF THAT IS TRUE! She also told him things that I supposedly said to her in passing about private conversations that he and i shared, again, that I DID NOT; these are things that she only would have know if she had read my journal! I felt so violated. I wondered if she had read it one time after a night that he and I went out, came back a little early, I saw the light go off quickly in our room. I assumed that she was returning my iPad to my room as she would use it while we were out ..I noticed that my journal didnt look like it was where I had left it, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she would never violate my privacy like that. I guess I was wrong.
He finally told her that we were actually in love with each other. She wanted reassurance that he wasn't going to leave her, which he gave. She said she felt sad over the fun he and I were having, and reminded him that I'm the fun and she's the everyday life..... She played the burdened with s ick spouse card, he was racked with guilt.
So I'm sitting there, listening to this last night and very carefully dip my toe in the water to say that I figured that she had an issue with me and I also figured that it stemmed from the fact that she wasn't aware that we were at the next level and no longer just fuck friends.... And I told him my experience with her passive-aggressiveness, and her catty comments directed to me. I swore on all that was holy that I had ever left anything for her to see on purpose, that if she saw pics, then it was because she snooped thru my stuff. And besides, my kids use that iPad, there was nothing bad to see, just pics of he and I together on the beach cuddled close, nothing bad. Nothing that should have upset her anyways as she witnessed most of that with her own two eyes. And I told him that she must have read my journal. I told him how it upset me to watch him reach out to her these past 2 years, watching as she flinched as he touched her, saw his pain in loss of intimacy with her and I didn't know how to fix that for him. He said she doesn't react like that when they are alone, no flinching, but still no sex. I'm so confused by it all.
He had said that when she told him that earlier this week, he was disappointed but tried to give me the benefit of the doubt, but she was adamant. When I told him my side, his reaction? Pooooooooor SO, how scared and desperate she must have felt to lash out like that. Excuse me? I'm on the defensive over the BS she gave him about me and poor her?! Ugh
Well, the good news is that now she knows he is in love with me and now that she's been assured that he's not leaving her, she SAYS that she is ok with he and I seeing each other. I'm a very intuitive person and I know there's more to it, I have a feeling she may have asked him to stop seeing me to which he said no, he couldn't and wouldn't because he was in love with me. But he will never tell me that.
I'm not going to lie, what she said had me feeling wrongfully accused and backed into a corner, at a complete disadvantage to his SO, and put a damper on our night. One night a week and she's managed to wreck that too. It was an emotional night. We talked a lot. I cried a little. As I said, a lot of repairing. But no resolution on how I was feeling towards her and what she did. I am trying to understand that she was lashing out in fear and Insecurity but I'm hurt that it was at my expense and I was forced into a defensive role. She's the victim. Poor, sick, innocent, sweet, do no wrong, SO.
So...where do I go from here? I want for the 3 of us to coexist peacefully, more as a team but I feel threatened and hurt by this. And on the other hand, I feel like he really did stand up for me in asking for her acceptance of me in his life. But what if one day she enforces a veto power over me?
The prior posts on here are so right. Open relationship vs poly. She said that she was ok with poly until it happened to her. She knew he had fuck friends and that was fine. She said that she believed in and supported poly, when it was to her advantage with the guy she was seeing, but now he's gone and her SO is in love with someone else, and she lashes out at me, and not him, for not being totally honest. Now she SAYS she is ok with it, but is she really? I've fessed up, with the risk of appearing difficult, about her now explained attitude towards me, he's fessed up to being in love with me and she's claiming to be okay with it, after a mouth full of lies about me.
How do I handle this in light of her less than accepting attitude towards me?
Last edited by newtoday; 03-25-2012 at 11:31 PM.
Reason: Spelling! Darn autocorrect....