How to deal with emotions?
I'm in a FMF V-shaped triad. My boyfriend and his other girlfriend live in the same city whereas I live on the other side of the country and 3 hours behind (grad school). They've known each other for longer, and we only decided to start this long distance relationship once we realized that it was something we really wanted.
Things were fine in the beginning. There was some adjusting going on from my side - I am monogamous, both of them are poly. We're open so I've been hooking up with some people trying to figure out what exactly I'm comfortable with (hooking up - yes, dating - not so much). I visited him two months after I moved away and things were going well. The next stretch of being apart was four months, which took quite a toll on things. I started getting more and more insecure and having unreasonable demands about how much we should communicate. He has always been very patient with me, but I know he is running out of it. We have been having lots of fight and I know it's hurting us and our relationship deeply.
Lately, I've been trying to organize my feelings by writing them down and try to figure out how to approach them. One thing I know is that when we fight it's always me stating a problem and him trying to look for a solution. I should be more proactive on that, and not be so accusatory. Second thing I've realized is that we move on in different ways. It's hard for me to forget and get over certain events, while I forget about fights we've had. He does the opposite - will get over things that have happened, but the fights will be in his mind. I've also identified that there are certain things I need to be open about (I use to have a problem with this, he's really helped me in being more vocal about my feelings), but other things where I just need to vent outů and not to him. This is mainly so I hear myself say some goddamn stupid and realize how ridiculous I'm being.
I know and fear that this could doom our relationship. I hate the fact that I'm hurting him but I've seen myself continue to do so. I want to figure out how to deal with my emotions in a more constructive way. And without hurting my boyfriend. Writing things out have helped. Is there anything else I could do?
I appreciate any suggestions. Thanks!