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Old 03-25-2012, 05:24 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Hi there. It seems to me that you're off to a good start. I love the open communication that seems to be happening, and the processing you're doing. Keep at it and there'll be less as time goes on. I'll try to write some thoughts regarding to your questions. (Sorry, I won't quote properly cause you had so many questions it'll take me forever.)

How do I balance the time for two relationships that I care equally about?

This is definitely one of the most complicated ones, since nobody can really tell you how your life will eventually look, and you'll have to see what is satisfying to everybody in time. The good news is you have time, there's no hurry. I'd start off from something that isn't an enormous change from how things have been, but still gives the new relationship space to grow. It is likely that you'll need more time together now that you are involved (also since you mentioned that the new intimacy is taking time from things you used to do together; ideally you'd have both). Things to think about:
- How much time do you feel you'd like to spend with your more-than-a-friend? If more than now, talk to the people involved.
- Where do you feel like you'd like to go in your relationship? You can have something you're moving towards, and then make gradual changes (if that feels good).
- It's good to think about balancing time, but don't forget to take time for yourself, too.

How do I make sure my fiance doesn't feel insecure (which he has had moments of)?

You can't. It is okay to sometimes feel insecure. That will likely decrease with time as you get used to it. You can be there for him and talk about it and be understanding, and that is enough. It sounds like it isn't too bad, but if he feels like he'd like help with it, there are some poly resources around.

About the NRE, there's a tag for that as well, you might want to read about it for a bit. It'll calm down after some time, usually in 6 to 18 months. It can also make you a bit obsessed about a person so that you miss them a lot more than you otherwise would and are all infatuated. It is okay, and it doesn't mean anything about your relationship with your fiance. You're just in different places in the relationships.

Also, the other differences, you can relax about them, and don't compare too much. This goes for your fiance as well, the advice about not comparing that is. All you can do is reassure him about the fact that just because you like different things with each doesn't mean either is better than the other (as you have been doing). He will need to work through those feelings. What you need to work on is rejecting the guilt (which is a product of mono-programming) and being patient while letting his emotions be what they are and not try to fix it. (I don't know if that is a tendency you have, but that's my gut reaction to guilt so that's why I wrote it. ) You aren't responsible for how he feels, all you need to do is be considerate much in the same way that you would in other situations.

I honestly wish we could live all together, or at least extremely close, which is a sentiment she shares, but not one shared by the men in our lives at this point. Is there a way to work toward this over time?

In time you'll see how everybody feels. Poly is an adjustment in itself, so it is usually good to take time for that before considering moving in together. There are some good threads around here about co-habitating and its options:

Multi-partner co-habitation.

Poly living: "shared custody model".

Finally, I wanted to write, because many of the things you asked about are topics I have needed to think about a lot. Also, I am in a pretty similar situation since both me and my girlfriend Mya have longer-term male partners. We have been in a poly arrangement for almost a year now, and we have a journal here in the blogs section if you wish to read more. I hope I've offered some help. However, I do think you'll figure out what works for you as you go along. Good luck and keep us posted!

Last edited by rory; 03-25-2012 at 05:27 PM.
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