Nycindie... Your advice was well received. It helped to me to look at the situation in a different light and eventually come to terms that it might really be over. It is hard to condense 6 yrs of a relationship into a few paragraphs, so I felt that there was a lot of ground that I wasn't able to cover. I wasn't sure I was ready to accept that it was over, but a lot has happened over the past few weeks and I think things are changing whether for better or worse.
Besides our growing distance, there was something else that was bothering me about this situation that I wasn't able to put my finger on. I didn't want to say anything until I could figure out what this was. I kept writing letter after letter and then deleting them. The mood varied from angry to compassionate. I didn't know what I was trying to convey.
Somehow, the clouds started to part and I was able to start seeing things a bit more clearly. The first thing that bothered me was that even though we have toyed with future possibilities together, after 2 or 3 years into our relationship they decided to move and I was not included in those plans.
This bothered me at first, but I didn't hold it against them because they had agreed to work towards their goal of moving to another state prior to meeting me. After the move, they did imply that I was more than welcome to move to be closer to them.
I considered it, but considering the state of the economy and high unemployment rate at the time, I didn't feel that the timing was right for me, but I was still open to the move if things continued to improve down the road. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer and that basically solified that the timing was not right for me yet.
Then out of the blue the husband wrote a letter a couple months ago expressing his desire to move to another country. Again, I was not included in those plans. I had a discussion with the wife not long after and she doesn't really want to move, but is following and helping to make her husband's dreams come true. She then asked if I would ever consider moving to another country with them. I told her I would consider it if that's what they wanted.
After that is when things became more distant with all of us. It was tearing me up because it seems like we're not doing much talking anymore. There are more questions than there are answers. I wanted to try to get to the bottom of it by having all of us talk and getting feedback, but they didn't make themselves available to me despite repeated attempts.
During this process, I had started to work out which I think has also helped a lot in clearing up some of the fog in my mind. It finally dawned on me that what was bothering me was the fact that the wife keeps telling me about how important I am to them and that I am “a part of their family”.
I want so much to be a part of their family but the truth is, that I do not feel like I am part of the family. At least not yet. The wife finally popped online the other day and gave me the opening to talk to her about what's been on my mind. Here is some of what I have told her:
“You both moved to AZ and I wasn't a part of those plans... that was something you two decided to persue... and now your husband wants to move to another country.. again, I'm not included... When could we ever get to the point that we could talk about our future? I can't chase after your guy's dreams hoping that I'll find mine... I need to have a voice... and I want a relationship in which I can also make decisions and negotiations. I love you both.. and I would very much like to do what it takes to make things work out for us, but I can't do it on the conditions we currently have.”
She said I was right. She admitted that she had been evasive because she feared what my thoughts might be but doesn't have any answers to give. She told her husband that she was chatting with me and wanted to know if he was interested in reading what I had to say. He said he didn't want to read it at the moment because he was busy and the kids were in the room. The wife eventually went offline and I haven't spoken to either one of them since.
I sense that the wife wants to continue to build our relationship, but the husband doesn't. There's nothing I can do about it. I accepted them as a package deal from the beginning. It hurts me that it seems that he's not on board with this, so I don't expect to get answers anytime soon.
I made it clear that I can't move on in our relationship with the conditions we currently have. The ball has been left in their court and I think it's time for me to start moving on now.