First I agree it maybe healthier to not have a DADT.
I get that its the denial and thinking behind the policy ...but I'm saying the policy itself isn't to blame. It could be executed in an honest and fair manner.
In the example you sited it sounded like this couple had a no falling in love rule that he either ignored or wasn't in his copy of the rule book . I would think that would be under the guidelines on opening up our relationship. DADT would deal with specific activities and interactions.
My wife and I had such a policy ...her saying she was going out or had a date ...or had plans all meant she was going to see her bf. She never lied. she didn't say one thing and mean another...not to me anyway ...she did lie to the kids several times.
I guess the range and scope open relationship and DADT have to be tightly nailed down for comparison. If you have an open relationship ...which means "romantic dating" and sex ...gosh hard to believe the word LOVE might pop up. Seems pretty predictable.
I guess from your point of view I had a modified or soft DADT?