The thing about D/s is that the submissive partner freely gives up control to the Dominant partner and gets "off" in the process of doing so. D/s is NOT about the D bullying or blackmailing the s into giving up control. Also, the D takes the responsibility of PLEASING the s within such a dynamic. Kinkiness is supposed to be FUN for everyone involved. It is NOT a healthy way to express a fundamental imbalance of power in a relationship, nor is it a way for the D to work out their issues with control or insecurity using other people as a therapeutic device.
If you are a Dominant or submissive type of personality in everyday situations and need to step outside yourself for a mental vacation, but your life-partner (or bf, gf, husband, wife, whatever) is JUST NOT INTO THAT (in other words, they are "vanilla"), there are people out there who do BDSM professionally for a fee. But this is NOT something that works if one person is into it and the other(s) are not.