Originally Posted by dingedheart
I think that so much of the success of any of this is personality, or personal character driven. The policy is not necessarily at fault but the wack job participants.
I'm sure mature, honest, self aware, loving adults can handle these arrangements. And conversely insecure and immature idiots will fuck it up.
From the example RP gave how does someone in a declared "open marriage" with a stated DADT policy in place flip out when it's discovered that other relationships are actually happening. Then on top of that flip out on the outsider???? Nothing makes sense in that. Sounds more like go ahead have a relationship as long as I don't catch you. How young were these people?
Then to call you up a yr later and want to hire you for a 3some ...some fucking balls.... or wack job
Yaaaa, no, this has not been my experience at all. It has been my experience that people that are mature and been together forever are just as likely to loose it when they find out that the policy they agreed to means they have not known that the beer that their husband went out for with his buddies one night was actually his way of saying, "I'm going to a fuck party with some people I met off the internet." I doesn't seem to matter one way or the other, DADT's just don't seem to work. DADT policies don't keep people together in healthy relationships. There is no end to DADT's that is safely going to keep people from either thinking
what their partner is doing or done. There is no future in DADT's that is happy, healthy or keeps people ignorant. Not that I have ever seen anyway.
The people I am talking about have been married 20 years this year. He is 47 and she is 42. They have an "open relationship" to them its all about sex, not love. He didn't tell her that he said he loved me and that I loved him because he didn't want her to loose it even more as far as I know. Then when she wrote, she found out that there was an emotional connection she didn't know about. They had to deal with that afterwards... I don't think they have quite worked that out together actually as far as emotional connections go. I don't think she gets the emotional connection part.
Those that use DADT policies are skirting on the edge of danger, unable to put their brain in the space of their partner having sex with someone else. Really, I think everyone would do better to give the whole "sex with others" idea WAYYYY more time instead.
When Mono was dealing with me going out with someone new he purposely put his head their. He forced himself to imagine me fucking someone else so that he would get through it. It made for some challenging sex.... but he swears it works.
For a time we had a DADT because he really could not handle me having sex with others at all. When it came down to it, it was worse what his head did to the situations I was in than what was actually going on.
I did nothing actually. On purpose. I wanted to be able to say that nothing happened and have him go through it with some respite at the end in finding out I hadn't. Now I still don't trust that he will be okay if I find another partner... he swears up and down he will be though... that is whole other story.