Originally Posted by redpepper
OOooooookay. This is where you have to bare with me. Totally gets under my skin this quote.
You are not the saviour of all women who have been done wrong. You are not the saviour of anyone. Do me and all women a favour. DON'T ATTEMPT TO RESCUE US. WE ARE NOT KITTENS IN TREES. Would you like me to rescue you from something? I doubt it. You would want to work it out for yourself because you are a grown up. You are not a child, women are not children. GAH, seriously. What on earth made you think that you could save anyone by dating someone just out of pity and so they could be all cozy in you and your wife's arms until they feel like they can go it alone. What makes you think that this attitude is any BETTER than a guy that uses them for sex? What do you have to offer that would convince a woman that they will not also be used by you too with the attitude that you will not commit to them but fuck them and pet their head?!
Really, if you want to help? Just listen and empathize, that's it. No other requirement. If you can't handle hearing it then ask them not to tell you. Your responsibility ends with being a really good listener. The rest just comes across as creepy.
Ok granted... I hear what you're saying. And I certainly didn't mean to come across as a savior to all women because I know very well that I am not and neither is my wife. However we just both have a huge heart for being there for people in rough situations and here's the basis for that:
The first girl we dated together we never actually had sex with, we just loved. We had expressed attraction and connection with her before and then one day it turned out that she was going to flee from an abusive ex-boyfriend who was taking extreme advantage of her, threatening her life, doing unspeakably evil things to her body, mind, and soul and she finally got the courage to get away and hide with us. With my wife's gentleness she found the understanding that she needed and a shoulder to cry on and with my 6'6" frame she knew that even if her boyfriend found her there was no way he was going to start anything without being very easily neutralized and sent away. Both of us gave her lots of hugs and kisses and reminded her that she's beautiful and that she can stand on her own two feet without him. After about 10 months she did (without us helping her to do anything but keep her spirits up and feel loved) and we keep in touch with her though now from a long distance.
That was probably the most my wife and I have been in sync as a couple is when we work together to love someone else AND each other. Since then we've been pursuing a healthier trinogamous situation (since I don't think you can recreate how well the above example went if you try) but just recently she's been finding girlfriends for just herself and then forbidding me to do the same on the grounds that since I'm a guy it would be cheating and promises that she will find someone else we can share eventually but "not this one" (speaking of her recent ex).
Admittedly I do have some to learn about poly... I don't know of anyone like me in the real world except I thought my wife was and I guess she is... but on her terms. My first duty and responsibility is to her but I just want to know how to get fair treatment and the ability to exercise polyamory without making her feel like I'm not satisfied by her or that it's just cheating because I happen to be attracted to members of the opposite sex whereas she, with the exception of myself, is attracted to members of the same sex. I'm confused about how to approach it because I'm not entirely sure how to define myself. I have utmost respect for women and seek to empower more than anything else... those who know me understand that. And while I don't seek lifetime commitments from a third partner, that's for 2 main reasons...
1. We haven't found someone where it's worked out for a long period of time... most women want a monogamous relationship of their own instead of sharing with us forever and so in practical terms it just seemed better to approach it from the standpoint of "we're always here for you until you decide to move on but let's never lose the love and connection we shared"
2. We aren't strong enough into a poly lifestyle to be able to handle explaining it to our friends and families. They would not understand.
I have spoken to my wife since and apologized for trying to help her move on at a different pace than she was comfortable with. I just frankly wanted to cheer her up so that I could enjoy her company myself. She has admitted that she is hanging on to the memory of her ex when in actuality she has not lost her... just the physical aspects and only until the next time they meet. She's admitted that she wants for us to continue looking for a trinogamous 3rd together and has apologized for being unfair in her expectations of me so all is right on that front.
I guess I'm still just confused about how to define myself or explain myself since I'm new to talking about all this... I don't know anyone else who is poly and I don't connect with a swinging lifestyle (since my goals are both physical AND emotional connection). I appreciate the constructive criticism of the polyamory.com community and if there's resources I should look for to help me understand myself better then I'm all ears! But please don't misread my intentions as chauvinist or even traditionalist... in my job the majority of our clients are non-profit organizations and several that protect women's rights and that even help RESCUE (yes... they use that word in their marketing like it or not) women in abusive and dangerous situations.
Oh and the "Get back in the game" comment I made is just semantics... I'm a little league baseball coach as well so I was using a metaphor that I commonly do... far be it from me to treat anyone's heart or soul like a "game" including my wife's... which is why I wanted advice on how to approach this in the first place because I didn't want anyone in this situation feeling hurt.