Originally Posted by cbgnar42
But the thing is I don't consider myself poly, and at the end of the day, I don't believe she is either. It's sort of just an experiment. I don't want to be in an open relationship. I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation before.
Unfortunately what you're saying and the reality of your situation do not mesh. You may not "believe" she is poly, but by what she's told you and what she is doing she is telling you otherwise, even if you don't want to believe it. You've agreed to this for now, and you need to find a way to either deal with it or speak up and ask for it to stop (or step away). Sure, it's possible that she will eventually have "sowed her wild oats" and feel comfortable stepping into a mono life with you, but that is not where she is now. Holding out for some future that may happen is not going to be the best option for either of you. If you really, honestly, cannot handle the fact that she is dating other people you either need to step up and speak up or step away.
It sounds to me like you really don't want to be pushed into a lifestyle you don't personally agree with (poly when you believe yourself mono) but you seem to be unconsciously trying to do the same to your partner by telling everyone she's mono when she's not there right now. Please step back and look at this objectively. She can really love you with the intensity that you expect of a mono partner and still potentially date other people. I'm not sure that that's an easy thing to accept when you're mono and believe that that is the way to be. I can honestly tell you that I feel that my primary partner is my "soul mate" and the "love of my life" in the way that all the mono fairy tales we hear as children describe, and yet I also love my secondaries greatly even though we just started dating. I can see the love I have for my secondaries growing into the same level of love that I have for my primary partner.
Is there something you fear by admitting that your partner may just be poly? Is there something that you simply will not be able to handle or accept if that is the reality of the situation? And my other question would be, have you mentioned this site to your partner? Does she know that the potential for honest, up front, ethical non-monogamy exists and there's others out there practicing it? I have the feeling if she realized that the potential was there for being madly in love with you and even engaged/married to you but still being able to date others were there (if you were open to that possibility) that if anything it may make her more
able to accept the thought of "settling down" with you (not less).