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Old 03-23-2012, 12:56 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Default Don't Ask Don't Tell thoughts

I will never, if I can possibly help it, date anyone with a DADT agreement again. I had a relationship I had with a man that ended with his wife calling me up and telling me never to contact him again. A year later she emailed me to see if I would be interested in a threesome with her and him. She asked if we could meet. I declined in a message that let her know that I do not like or seek casual sex and that I had been "in love" with her husband. It had not been exclusively about the sex for me. She wrote back and said she had not known that, wished me well and said that she now didn't want to meet up.

I had a talk with this old boyfriend today (we meet by chance last week and planned to meet and talk) about the DADT policy he had with his wife back then when he and I were seeing each other. I had heard that it doesn't work for most people and keeps people moving further away from one another rather than closer together. They notice that rather than addressing each stressor that comes up in a relationship individually, it causes a tidal wave of many emotions and concerns that almost cost people their marriage's. This man struggled after his wife found out about us. They did for some time, but they are back on track and he has a girlfriend (well... fuck buddy), and she has a LDR boyfriend that she sees occasionally.

At one point he said something along the lines of DADT policies not working because the people involved say they don't want to know and aren't going to ask and then suddenly they do ask, or they find something out, or their partner changes, or comes home with the signs of having sex on them... he asked hypothetically where the line is between knowing and not knowing? How can one ever hope to know what information to give and what not to give? After all, if you have agreed to talk about it, how can you ask what is too much information? At what point does a partner who doesn't want to know all of a sudden care what is happening? The line is pretty thin I think... the tidal wave of information at that point is on the verge of becoming a tsunami.

I thought these really good points and thought I would pass them along to those that are considering DADT policies with their partners or are in them.
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