I've been meaning to come back and update this for a while but life has been getting in the way a bit.
Busy, busy time spent with lots of friends and some of it has gotten me thinking. The anxiety has shifted somewhat. I kind of think that sometimes what is worrying me is where will the changes lead. My dad dying changed lots for me on a number of levels. I've been feeling differently about several of my relationships - some of that difference is scary.
I'm lucky - have lots of people to talk to about it and plenty of people willing to be there.
There is something in practising feeling loved and part of things. It's an interesting experience and something that I find comes with increasing levels of responsibility. I wonder if I've always held back from being involved so that I can be more free to do what I want?
I spent much of one day a couple of weeks ago driving around a city so that I could spend time with 3 friends doing 3 different activities. I was tired and in the past would have called off at least one of them and gone home for a sleep. Instead, I found myself sleeping in the car between activities.
And then last weekend, I spent engaged in activities with other friends when really I should have been at home nursing my cold. But - the circumstances were slightly difficult and I knew it would make all the difference if I was there (in the past I would have convinced myself that it didn't matter if I wasn't there and then would have not turned up). I was in bed sick for 2 days this week, though!! Not taking good care of myself at all there.
Interesting - my attitude and behaviour have changed dramatically (this has been happening over a period of a couple of years or so - not a sudden thing).
Shall keep practising.