Dingedheart, thank you for being my advocate here. What you stated do reflect my frustrations.
It is very unbalanced, which he does acknowledge.
Reading other threads on here, there is such a wide variation in the amount of time that people spend with the "secondaries". Some are long distance, others have busy lives, I don't know what's the norm. Really, there is no norm as long as both feel fulfilled in their needs.
Most of the time, once a week is not enough for me. Considering they live just 20 minutes away, I don't understand why he won't make more time.
I'm seeing him this weekend, I'm going to approach the subject again. I can't bottle it all inside, or I will end up leaving because it's too hard to sustain.
I am new to poly. And am very open to sharing him with his SO. I have been since day 1. I, too, agree that not all your needs can be met by one person. I tried that for many years with the same man. It didn't work. They opened their relationship before she got ill, when their intimacy pretty much died. She got sick a couple of years later. He would definitely feel guilt and shame if he left her, yes, but they started down this path long before she got ill. I just don't know that she was expecting him to fall in love, despite the fact that she (supposedly) believes in Poly. Given that, and her illness, could be the reason for this newfound passive-aggressiveness. I'm stubborn though, and keep trying to make this work for all of us.