Originally Posted by redpepper
Sounds like things went well here, but for the record.... Poly equals consent. That means honesty at all costs as one can not get consent from someone that is left in the dark. Poly also means integrity, open and honest communication and consideration of all involved (empathy). For more info on all of this I suggest doing a tag search for "foundations" and "lessons" as there are some great threads on what makes poly a relationship style that works for any relationship, poly or mono.
Thank you. I will.
There is still the matter of this guy's wife. Her feeling matter to me. They both see other people but don't talk about it. What is that? A lie? He seemed sad about it when discussing it. They attend the same party we do (or did) so that's where the connection happened. When I met him his wife was um, otherwise engaged. He met my husband. We exchanged numbers. Then I felt so uncomfortable telling my husband once communication really started with this guy. I thought he'd hate me, be so angry etc. then when we did talk it seemed like we were both relieved.
It's difficult to tell tone from texts but it seems like the guy is relieved too. He is headed out of town on holiday with his wife for awhile and so I have time to think. My first goal with him, find out more about why it's not ok for his wife to know about us if it's not a problem for them to have outside relationships. I understand not wanting to hurt her but why would she be hurt if she's also able to make friends outside their relationship? I think I'd have to walk away in the end if he won't at least tell her it's happening. How he does it, what details he discusses, is his responsibility to figure out. If she's completely unaware of me the polyness of it all breaks doesn't it?
The second woman, who my husband asked out, got back to him. She is also going out of town but would love to hang out with us when she gets back. She emphasized the us
part. There is potential friendship. She's smart, adorable and we know one another. I'm also kind of happy that she wants to see us both. She is poly and it indicates a person who is open to friendship with us both wherever that may lead. Husband has spoken to her about us so she may want to talk to us together, about where we are at, before seeing just him. I thought that was very cool of her to handle his request that way.
His tomorrow date is a baby steps date. She is going on a coffee date with a guy who, as far as she knows, is a happily monogamous dude. He's known her in a professional capacity for awhile. They used to lunch together but don't see one another during the workday. Her agreement to have coffee is possibly a bid romance or possibly just a desire for friendship. It's a very slow burn there. He's at least telling me that he understands that with her.
There is a lot on our plates right now. Most of it in the future. Tonight we are setting it all aside so I can practice spinning fire with a mutual friend who knows nothing of this part of our lives. It will be a flame and practice. I'm looking forward to it. It's been an intense few weeks. Some time to stretch my brain is needed.
Thanks again for responses. They really help.