I hear you loud & clear
I know from your original post that you're struggling with some blockages there and it's sad from the reasons you offered.
I think RedPep had some detailed sage advice a couple posts back too.
"I would suggest perhaps using your cuddle time to move forward into moving that feeling into sexual times.... perhaps if you ask him not to have his own agenda at all in your love making for an occasion. "....etc
Are you familiar with Tantra at all ? If not might be worth at least checking out.
But this is/was one of the "buckets" I was referring to. We kind of refer to it as "spiritual sex". That state of complete joining when you literally become one entity. No separateness. Each feeling all the other feels. The same thoughts. The fact that you are even having sex becomes lost !
I'm not sure that's something you can reach for - try for - although Tantric practice is intended to refute exactly that opinion. I tend to think it just "happens". Happens during a state of "openness" which I read is just a hard place for you to get to. And maybe it's as hard for him albeit for different reasons.
There's a lot to be said for living in that state of "openness" - all day - every day. Is there some risk involved ? Yes - I suppose so. But with practice - especially awareness practice - it becomes evident that the risk is worth the gain.
I hope you can work towards that - being open -with awareness - to life around you. The rest will follow