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Old 03-21-2012, 04:13 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sealace View Post
...when these chemicals take over my brain I find myself getting attached and insecure...at least if I see them fairly regularly. It's just the way I'm made up, I guess.
I have those chemicals at work, too. But knowing that it's chemistry helps, doesn't it? You can, or at least I've found a way to (most of the time), sort of take a step back and have a logical dialogue with myself about it, and sort out the chemical euphoria from the reality. I just keep asking myself questions. It doesn't mean I don't feel the longing or the craziness, but I have to get my feet on the ground and keep myself also facing reality.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sealace View Post
What I wonder about with "casual relationships", then, is if you keep seeing each other, sleeping together and getting to know each other, how on earth can that remain casual? I'm a very deep person who connects on a super deep level with people at times, and keeping that reigned in doesn't seem to work for me.
Well, I have parameters within which the casual relationship will not fit. For example, I am single (well, separated), or what I call solo. I live alone. I don't want anyone moving in with me. I also need lots of time to myself. I like being alone. I don't want to be in touch with a lover every day. Give me my space, thank you very much. If, for me, when a relationship moves from casual to serious it would mean moving in together or taking up more of my time, it just wouldn't work for me. So, while there are rare occasions when I am in bed with a lover and wistfully imagining us living together, walking hand-in-hand, meeting each other's families, and sharing our lives more deeply (I allow myself such fantasies), the reality is -- it ain't gonna happen. I know it won't. But I don't hold back in loving and caring about someone because of that.

So, I take a look at what is, and find ways to appreciate that without indulging in the pattern I've been taught since I was little to always want more. It's about living in the present, basically.

Not sure if I've really expressed it very well, but that is what it means to me to maintain a satisfying casual relationship. I don't negate my feelings for a casual lover, as it's the structure that keeps it casual, not the level of emotional involvement. This is just my brand of logic in dealing with it. I will admit, I got to understand it this way after my relationship with Shorty crashed and burned because he wanted it casual and I didn't really know how to do that, became needy, and it was very unattractive to him. It actually had been working perfectly in my life the way it was, but I thought it was supposed to progress to something more committed. He wound up breaking it off in a rather hurtful way. I guess he could feel me glomming onto him and he knew he had limits on what he could give me. But the whole drama of that prompted me to look at my expectations about relationships.

Now I've been conversing with a potential lover who lives far away but comes to my city fairly often. Not only would this be a long-distance relationship, but he is a married poly guy and travels quite a bit. He is looking for someone to do "girlfriend type things" with, as he puts it, but the distance, likely quite infrequent times we'd have together, and limitations of being partnered mean that it would have to be closer to what I call casual than what I would call serious.

As I wrote that last sentence, I realized that, ultimately, it isn't the label that matters. Casual, serious, poly, mono, primary, secondary, blablabla. It's the soul-searching, awareness, and work one puts into creating the types of relationships you want, or finding fulfillment in the relationships that present themselves to you.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 05:06 AM.
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