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Old 03-21-2012, 02:55 PM
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OkNewbs OkNewbs is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 59
Question Conquering nervousness?

Over the last week or so, Hubbs & I have been really discussing & ironing out our feelings/rules/etc on a poly relationship. It is not something we ever imagined until the last year or so. Even when it first came up, it was awkward & we weren't really in the right space emotionally to truly do it. However, we've come a long way. Now we're here. We both realize that individually it's what we want, and together we think it is workable & beneficial.

But we're both nervous about the order of things. We've set up initial "first step" boundaries (meet & befriend someone - we're not into casual sex, too much risk- and we let each other know if we're interested in pursuing someone romantically. Next, we meet said interest & agree they're not psycho or a cowgirl, then kissing is allowed. Then we discuss the feelings that come up & move on from there), we've discussed everything openly & we're comfortable with it. We're both afraid of being the first one to take the first step, but we're also afraid of the other being first. To make it simpler (I hope) I'll speak for myself here, but he echoes my feelings. We both do have a jealous streak that stems from insecurities. I know it's irrational, I can't color him with my past; it's not fair, nor is it accurate. He's not any of my exes. I feel if I was first to find an outside relationship, it would help stave off any jealousy felt when he finds a relationship. Kind of, "Well I'm seeing so-and-so, so I can't be upset that he's seeing someone." And really, honestly, I'm excited for him to find someone who can love him and whom he can love. I'm excited for him to have those giddy, over-the-moon feelings... that rush of new love. The excitement, the fun, the exploration... all of it. Simply seeing him that vibrant again... just the thought makes me happy. And once the NRE wears off, even if nothing physical happens, he'll have the emotional completion. If something physical happens, that's fine too. Our sex drives don't match up in many ways, so the supplement could only be good for him. And really for us, since it would take some of the stress off of us. We have great sex, and it's not a terribly rare thing. But he's ALWAYS ready, and as a housewife/mom/budget-keeper/etc. oftentimes, I'm just not in the mood. Or, I'll get the urge when he's at work & by the end of the day, it's gone. "Throwing him a bone" tends to be detrimental to both of us, but going without also is. So, the help - for lack of a better term - in that area of our lives seems like it would be good. Plus, I think it may spark almost a competitive (in a playful way) drive in me. Obviously this is all theory at this point, but the idea of him with another woman... makes me ... I just think in the end, he'll be the one turning people down. KWIM?
But at the same time, I'm nervous that me having a relationship & him not having one yet may hurt him.
We both understand that there is a learning curve. There will be skinned knees along the way. We're dealing with emotions here, so it's bound to get messy.

We realize that finding a unicorn is highly unlikely, as is both of us finding a secondary simultaneously. But, even with that knowledge, we're both kind of stutter-stepping now.

As I said, by his own admission he feels the exact same way.

And we're, I believe, being realistic about it. Yet we're both so nervous-excited. I'm willing to bet this is all normal newby territory, so I guess I'm looking for advice or personal stories? How did you handle all this?
Steph: Wife, Bisexual, 24 year old mom to 1
Patrick: Husband, Straight, 23 year old dad to 1

Currently exploring Poly together, our latest adventure.
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