Jane, thank you so much. It's great to know that I'm not alone. Swear it feels like I'm on an island in this. Nobody to sound out these thoughts with, so they swim around in my head, sometimes swirling like a tornado!
I agree with all of your comments and feedback!
You're right, you cannot fix one relationship by adding another. But what it did do for them was remove the pressure from her to have a physical relationship with him. That removed the tension, saved the relationship.
I asked him if he told her that he was in love with me. He said No, he assumed that she would already know that based on the time that he and I have been together, the time we spend together, daily messages, the fact that I joined them on vacation. I am going to explore the reasons why he hasn't opened up to her about that. I believe that he fears she will leave him, as she has suggested in the past that he is burdened with her and her illness and offered to leave to let him find a full life elsewhere. That conversation consumed him with guilt, said he would be selfish to consider it. He does love her deeply, no question. But it's now more of a friendship, caregiver, family role.
He's also said that she believes in Polyamory as she, herself, was once involved with another man that she cared very deeply for, having a physical relationship with him, but not with our guy. That hurt him alot, propelling him into finding a deeper connection with me, versus F Buddies.
The passive-aggressive part is new. But that could be because it was the first time that we have spend an extended amount of time together. Otherwise it's been for a few hours, an evening, a day here and there. And it's for those reasons, that I can't really tell him about that. It will put him in a tough spot, he will defend her, I look bad and we are strained. Nobody wins in that. So I am trying to just focus on he and I. But sometimes it's hard and I feel resentful that I can't confide that in him for fear of appearing difficult.
Your comments on being more or less significant were so thoughtful and so appreciated. Thank for for reinforcing that. Almost made me cry. I know that you're right, it's just nice to hear that from someone outside the situation. And about being the Secret, it's not all that bad. His parents and brother know, and some close friends, the important people. It's really not that bad, most days.