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Old 03-20-2012, 03:05 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,240

I think that you will find there are many on this board who have worked through / are working through similar type feelings in similar situations. You might find some in the "coming out polyamourous" tag search:

For professional reasons I can't publicly acknowledge my relationship with Dude. Our close friends all (all eight of them) know but to acquaintances/coworkers/family/community he is MrS's friend (which he was for several years before I even met him) and our houseguest. None of us has a Facebook page so that's not a problem. And we live in the middle of nowhere so there are no nosy neighbors to be dodged. The only times I feel Dude is really excluded (he may feel differently) is when we go to "family events" that include my extended family (and he is SOOOO not missing anything there ).

This works for us because everyone is on the same page. MrS and Dude can "conspire" to help keep the secret when we are out together locally.

Red Flags / Points to Consider that I see:

Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
When they started down this path, it was to salvage a relationship that was null and void of physical intimacy.
I think that many people will advise that you can't really "fix" one relationship by adding another.

Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
Despite being 100% honest with each other about this lifestyle, he hasn't told her that he is in love with me.
This, to me, sounds like the difference between an open relationship and polyamory. Their deal may have been that it was ok for him to see other women for sexual gratification only. By being "in love" with you he is "emotionally cheating"...

Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
He's confessed to me that he's often thought of just being with me, having a full time life with me, and me alone. That helps and hurts at the same time. Helps because I know I'm not alone in that thought and hurts because it will never happen.
In my opinion this is a dangerous path / line of thinking as it sets you and wife up as rivals and puts a strain on both relationships (you+him and him+ her). I think you have to acknowledge that you and he sometimes have these thoughts and then table it and work on building the best relationships you can in the here-and-now.

Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
Her and I are friendly, but not friends. She seems very passive aggressive towards me.
Is the passive-aggressive part new? Could this be that she senses that there are emotions between the two of you that he is keeping from her?

My impression from reading these forums is that things tend to go better when metamours are working together, but that it is not necessarily a requirement. If it is not possible for you to develop a closer connection with her (friendships, like other relationships, cannot be forced) then all you can do, I think, is work on your relationship with him, while respecting (i.e. being supportive of, not trying to threaten) his relationship with his SO.

Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
But now that he is in love with me and claims that I'm his priority and can't imagine being without, it sucks to be the secret.
Sorry, I know it sucks - but from what you have posted I'm not sure that, after 21 months, this is going to change. Perhaps if he tells his SO that he loves you, she is fine with this, you and she become friends, then you can all socialize together as "couple+friend" (not completely "out" but you not so "excluded") - which is how we do it in my personal situation.

For now you have to decide if you, personally, can be happy in the situation as it stands now - being the "secret" (from others besides his SO).


The first major hurdle that I see is that by not telling his SO that he loves you he is, in fact, living a lie - cheating in spirit. I don't really see how any of the rest can be sorted out while that is the case. Unless that is a specific "rule" in their relationship - "Don't tell me if you develop feelings for any of your sex friends." then I think that needs to be addressed before anything else can move forward.

Just my observations reading your post. I know I didn't really address the core issue - your feelings about being "secret" as I don't really have any insight there (MrS, Dude, and I are all very private people to start with - would never consider sharing our lives on Facebook, only a limited circle of close friends, I generally even keep my "family" interactions separate from my "friend" interactions - so...)

In terms, though of feeling "Less Significant" - from what I read in your post it doesn't seem that HE feels that you are less significant - shared vacation, telling you he loves you and that you are a priority.

In my opinion, "significance" doesn't come from how many people know but from the strength of the relationship BETWEEN the two of you - which doesn't have anything to do with anyone else (including his SO). There is no "Relationship Significance" competition - your relationship with him doesn't have to be more or less significant than hers with him, each relationship is its own thing. Maybe theirs is more visible, maybe yours is deeper - in the end it doesn't really matter. Each relationship is what it is - no two (or three or six) are ever the same.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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