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Old 03-20-2012, 08:01 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,389
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Finney,

First I want to applaud you for the courage to finally get this in the open. I also admire the fact you decided to come here and express you side of things. I also think you are a very good writer and did a very good job. Well done.

You said the first thing you did when this came to head was remove all the blocks. What were the blocks? Your excited to see him grow ...where he goes? what does that mean?


It sounds like you had some very traumatic prior relationship ...never really healed from it ...found a caring guy....perhaps mistook that for love, or playing it safe ...married knowing something was wrong....went through the motions for years ...thought a child would help ...had a child ...eventually found love and connection outside which pushed the divide even deeper with your husband. Developing a roommate type relationship which is centered around your son. The dam finally broke and years of stuff come tumbling out. So now you know who you are... the old you is back ...and also you know what you want or need...this other guy.

I think it great that you found your old self. I think its really sad that the guy the gut it out, honor his commitment to you and his family for 12 yrs wont be the primary recipient... He get to be introduced to the new .."old " you and love the new old you along with the new guy... pending the STI test comes back OK.

To me this sounds really similar to what happened to me. My wife didn't want to destroy the family...really didn't want to be the bad person ...liked her life ...house,clothes, her Bmw or our cars, vacation home...had loyalty or guilt for the years I put up with her ....so how about a negotiated settlement.... ala open marriage. Well I thought at the time my family life was more important than who my wife was having sex with ...and because of the devastating blow or realization of her feelings it didn't really matter that much after that so I agreed. It took a several days or a week to mourn the loss of my marriage. The biggest problem for me was feeling played or lied to.
So I settled ...for an unknown percentage.... of time, focus, and not just me but the entire family. Everyone took a hit. Even the dogs. When asked how it would work ..."I don't know I've never done this we'll have to play it by ear". Her ear sucks.

The love you say you feel ...are sure that's not just gratitude for 12 years of service ...longevity or gratitude that the family hasn't been destroyed ...or gratitude for listening and excepting you and trying move forward with you for your sons sake.?


So the investment of large amounts time and energy to build outside romantic relationships helps the primary ...(if we can really use that word) by being happier. Happiness is the answer? Happiness ...just her happiness The hope is it spills over some. Really hard to bank on ...NRE does funny things to people...read up.

So now ...you'll start dating ...start having sex more frequently maybe ...out of desire???? or out of gratitude and or obligation to the new cause?


The red flags Cindie cited concern me from moment one.. hence all the questions. I think if you want your marriage (some primary type union ) to stay together you need couples counseling to deal with all that old stuff and introduce or help understand the new old Finney ...perhaps continue living like roommates and causally date each other ..invest the time and energy in the old guy first ....start over sorta. See how that goes before adding the new guy. Just a thought

Good luck D
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