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Old 03-20-2012, 06:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
That's another quirk in of itself that's frustrating. We are starting to feel like we can't make plans that we initiate. The only date we've had that one of us initiated was when I asked him & he nailed her down to a decision. She's made a big deal that she's a free spirit and every date has been at their whim. That's getting old.
Here's how you train them out of that dictatorship style. You and your Hubby make plans for yourselves -- something you really want to do. And then invite them to go with you.

"Hello, so-and-so, we're going out to ___ and would love if you could come along. Let us know if you can make it!" If they accept, great. If you don't hear back from them or they say "no," go out and have a blast with Hubby.

If they call again and ask to arrange something else, you say, "Oh, I'm sorry, we can't. That's why we were hoping you could come with us to ___ when we invited you. Oh well, next time!"

Do that three or four more times and they'll get the picture that you can be in charge, too. It might mean you don't see them for a while, but you are training yourselves as well as training them. If they want to do things with you, they will have to accept an invitation. Eventually, you two couples will meet in the middle and have more give and take. If they give you a hard time and insist on doing it the way they have, you just tell them, "Well, we have things we want to do too, and it's only fair to take turns making plans."
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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