Originally Posted by Ilove2men
Ceoli, from your personal experience do you think that the self protect mode on seperating the emotional and physical can be completely overcome or do I need to reduce my expectations somewhat to protect myself from feeling defective and damaged again, if I can't connect on that level everytime.
You absolutely do not have to reduce your expectations and you *can* overcome such separations! It's difficult to say exactly what you need to do because it's individual for each person. But you seem to have the right idea. Practice connecting intimately first. Then slowly add more sexual elements for that connection. Honestly, receiving massage from your partner can be very illuminating in terms of what kinds of reactions come up. Also, it's good to practice allowing your partner to give to you without expecting anything in return. It's good to practice not worrying about whether you orgasm or not and just focus on the process of connecting. I was lucky to have a partner who challenged and pushed me in very loving ways as I was working on this stuff. I was able to get through those walls with a lot of tears and release in his arms. And things still definitely come up from time to time for me, but I'm very aware of where that comes from and it doesn't take control of my feelings.
It just takes practice. Practice connecting with a partner, practice connecting with yourself and practice telling yourself new good things about you so that you stop practicing telling yourself all the horrible things the abuse told you to tell yourself. (did that make any sense?)
But no. Being abused or raped does not mean that you are permanently damaged goods. You might have a scar or two, but scars do not limit us, they are simply part of the tapestry of our lives.