Originally Posted by nycindie
Don't get me wrong. I don't disagree with your idea to ask her to move out. I'm just saying it seems premature if she then moves in with him. I wouldn't encourage her to do that. I would think she should find a friend to stay with or be on her own while she decides what to do. What growth can be gained by going from one shared living situation into another when she's trying to come to terms with what she wants? I don't see how it will help her. But I guess if she isn't living with you, then it's really up to her and this is a moot point.
I can totally understand that you are protecting yourself after everything you've put into this relationship. Good for you. If she does move out, would you still want to work on it, or would you consider it over?
Her moving in with a friend I don't think is the most viable option. The problem lies in the fact that she is always concerned what people will think and her friends from work would ask why she was staying with someone else. I don't think she would want her family to know either. Though they are states away, same as mine there would be the concern that they would find out through others and if we did go back to each permamnently then dealing with the fallout from what had taken place would decimate how they look at her. Her living with him wouldn't be much different then it was just a month or two ago when she was staying there almost every night and spending almost all her time with him. I would see her maybe when she decided to come home while I was feeding the kids lunch, say hi to them for a minute, then retreat to the bedroom to take a nap. The kids and I would leave for the day and come back in the evening and there would be remanants of her getting ready to back out and clothes missing from the closet from what she had packed to go out with him and other friends.
I wouldn't consider it over though. I would consider it that we have slowed down to casually dating if she was to move out and see him. There could always be the possibilty of us working it out but there is also the reality that too much has happened and too quickly. More so than that this relationship has taken place in way that was suspicious and hurtful instead of out in the open. I'm not saying no to anything but I know I need to also come to terms with how this feels and how it makes me feel. It's like I had told her yesterday as she is crying in the car telling me she's sorry for making me hurt. I had said "No matter what someone is going to get hurt in all of this. It's just a matter of how much." There is more to it than that but the gist being that I'm already hurt, she's hurting now and if she doesn't go with this guy he will be hurt and so will she, but if she does go with him and I don't agree then I'm hurt and if I leave she's hurt and so on and so forth.