Today was frustrating for me and did not start off well. Last night Nancy told me she wanted to wake up early in the morning to have alone time with Hardy before she left for work. I was hit hard with jealous and negative emotions when she'd said that. Though to be fair, I was already in a bad place all day about the state of her and mine relationship that I was grumpy and exhausted by the time I got home tonight. I felt extra bad because she was trying to show interest in having a conversation with me but I was so deep in my negative space that I was barely present in the moment.
In general, I don't like watching them or hearing them have sex. Luckily for me, if I'm downstairs with the tv I don't have to see or hear anything I don't want to while they are up in our bedroom. So when she said she wanted alone time in the morning, not only did I feel like she was taking something away from me (Hardy and I actually had the day together and under normal circumstances we would have been intimate in the morning just after she left for work) but I felt inconvenience. Because I don't want to hear anything, I wouldn't be able to stay in the bedroom while they went to the other bedroom to have sex. And being a slight sleeper, I would have woken up when her alarm went off then been unable to go back to sleep because I'd be too concerned with making sure I didn't hear anything and having general anxiety. So I chose to sleep on the couch. Nancy and Hardy weren't very happy about it but understood that it was the best choice for me at the moment.
Unfortunately, being downstairs means anything they wake up to go to the bathroom I wake up with the pipes carrying water away. So I didn't sleep well, and I ended up awake around the time they would have been having sex anyway so I just stayed awake. I regret to say, I did not act bravely this morning. I let my jealousy keep me from being truly in the moment with my alone time with Hardy and affectionate with Nancy as she left for work.
I carried this anxiety with me all day and then something strange happened. I'm in the middle of my night class and all of the sudden, something inside of me goes, "You know, it's really not a big deal if they have sex." And just like that, like a switch flipped, my perception changed. I don't know what happened but I'm so happy it did! I hate feeling so ugly inside about the people I love.
When I came home, I was just happy to see my partners and my girlfriend seemed so happy to see me. I felt like the affection and interest I'd been missing from her was finally visible and tangible like I'd been dying for it to be. And I felt so stupid for being so moody. I still felt a little anxious at the thought of them having sex but not nearly as bad as I had this morning.