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Old 03-19-2012, 06:22 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: kansas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Her deadline, however, is unreasonable. Two months would be far more appropriate than two weeks. If she has the potential for serious feelings for this guy, they're not going to disappear because she waited an extra month or two to try acting on them. And, if you've already been putting a lot of work into improving communication and dealing with the emotional fall-out from your ex, it may be that adding this new question to deal with is putting you on overload, in which case even more time may be needed.

Getting on the same page regarding what you need from each other, what you want, and what your expectations are definitely needs to happen before you get married. It is possible to be happily mono while one's spouse/partner is poly, but it isn't for everyone (or, you could consider the idea of having an additional romantic relationship yourself!). Just be sure you're communicating what you actually NEED, not just what you THINK should be happening because of social conditioning.

I hope I did the quote on here correctly : )

I do feel like i'm on overload. I hate to sound like I'm complaining but I finally am moving forward from past experiences and trying to become a better version of myself. I was thinking the deadline was unfair and have even told her that. She's somewhat staunch on setting that time line though.

As for me having a second relationship, I have considered the possibility and funny enough while posting yesterday and replying my fiance came up to my work to visit for lunch. While doing so I spoke to her about the research I had been doing the replies I have gotten and my feelings. More so than that I told her that she needs to realize that there's a chance that our relationship will end with this. I was very kind about it and honestly very loving as well. I told her that we don't choose who we love but we choose who we have relationships with. I don't fault her for having feelings for this guy. I don't hate her either. I'm upset yes, frustrated and angry about it but I'm not mad at her as much as I'm mad at the situtaiton. I told her we would sit down and talk about all this and look at every single situation possible. A suggestion that I had thrown out there was her moving out and moving in with this guy for maybe two weeks to a month. We could see each other on Saturdays and she could see the kids then and even spend the night as well. Go back to causally dating. My reason for asking her to move out is that I could not handle thinking of her getting ready to go out on a date with this guy, kissing him and being affectionate with him. I think it would break my heart. I had also told her though that now that she has brought this up there is no turning back now. If I was to tell her I don't agree with her seeing this guy and she decided to stay with me and try to let him go then I would always be left wondering if she was doing it behind my back, if she was happy with just me, if she only made the decision to stay because of the kids etc. Though I did tell her also though that once she was out of our place that I would begin to work on making new friends and acquaintances. That if she was going to explore her feelings then maybe I should to. That I wasn't looking for a new person in my life or a new relationship but would it be bad to turn down a date from someone who asked me? I also told her that while exploring her feelings with him that she may find that she that she is truly in love with him and that he is what I'm not but even more. I think I understand that in poly it's how a person complements someone else and brings the best out of them. That one person cannot always do that for one other person and it can take a second or more to accomplish that. I know there is much more to it than that, but I'm not sure I can handle that. She began to cry in the car. I watched the tears roll down one after another. It was funny though because as I sat there telling her all these things I do so in this excited passionate voice filled with love. I wasn't angry I was excited to share what I had learned with her and what I was feeling. I was really communicating with her. I asked her why the tears and all she could she say was "what have I done?" She told me she couldn't imagine not falling asleep every night in my arms, in our bed. She couldn't imagine not being there when the kids wake up and seeing them throughout the day. More so she couldn't imagine me dating someone else. Couldn't imagine the thought of me experiencing love outside of herself. But, I have come to realize in the end I want her to be happy. That is the most important thing for me. But I want to be happy to. I want to be someone who I can explore with and live out my dreams and theirs as well. I told her that after her exploration with this guy that we may not be together because he is better for her than me. That may not sound realistic but I want to look at every possibility. Can't the greatest gift to give someone else be to be let them go and be free to explore? If it is really in the cards for two people to be together than it will happen? I feel as if though that the guy she is talking to whom I have met on several occasions has a very utopian view on everything. I can see her thoughts changing toward that same view from spending so much time with him. I don't think it's a bad thing it just seems that she felt like at first that "why don't I get that we could all be one happy family?" Now bringing up the reality that I may not want to stick around and even more so that I may want to date others that she is starting to think that it sounds great as long as I don't have to see him doting on anyone else.
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