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Old 03-19-2012, 06:12 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

There are a few red flags I saw in these statements of yours:
Originally Posted by firehaus View Post
...we have not very often been together intimately (and yes this was related to her new feelings, not understanding them, but other issues as well). I had already been feeling so distracted by this absence of frequent intimacy that I was seriously considering having a sexual affair or affairs to help me feel "normal" so I could function day to day...
Originally Posted by firehaus View Post
...she started feeling something was wrong with her, with us, I felt it too. We would talk sometimes but never quite figure anything out....

Dating is something we really desperately need. We are aware of that...
Originally Posted by firehaus View Post
We hardly date or sleep together now and if you're going to be sleeping someplace else then we'll never share our souls and bodies again.
Originally Posted by firehaus View Post
...I don't see how it does help intimacy between my wife and I, but it is a little bit like it can't be worse than it was before (meaning over the past 2-yrs).
You think it can't be worse now - but you're wrong. It can become much worse.

Polyamory is not a cure for what is ailing in a marriage. You will see this written many, many times in these forums and on other poly sites. Just be careful if either of you has the idea that poly will make everything all better.

Managing multiple love relationships cannot work well for a couple without a good, strong, healthy foundation for the relationship they already have with each other. Sure, talking about opening it up can bring you closer as far as communication and understanding the love you share for each other, and so on. Finally, you're talking about things other than bill-paying and you're having great sex again! Woo-hoo! Then the euphoria passes and you have to deal with the real-life nitty-gritty of being involved with more people who have their own wants, needs, and baggage. It won't be theoretical anymore. And either one of you having another partner means that every crack and imbalance in your marriage's foundation will be intensified and magnified. So, keep reminding yourselves of that and working to strengthen what you have together before moving forward. Poly ain't a Band-aid. Good luck.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 03-19-2012 at 07:27 PM.
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