thoughts on being alone and restlessness
I've always loved being alone. Spending time with myself, everything from lounging on the sofa for a whole day to going out to bars, dinner and movies by myself, and travelling on my own.
Its never been an issue in my marriage - my husband is also a very independent person and we have always had our own friends and our own alone-time besides the social life we have together and the time we spend as a couple.
Since we opened up our marriage I've noticed that I find it more difficult to be at peace with myself, on my own. This is all the more frustrating now that my life has become so much more complicated and intense, with my husband having a girlfriend which occasionally causes anxiety and jealousy, and myself having 2 lovers.
I spend a LOT of time, when I should be 'recovering' from being social, or with my lovers, or working, worrying about my love life. Not even real worries like 'does he still want me' (although there's that, sometimes, too) but more logistical and practical worries about where and when do I meet them again, when is my husband meeting his lover and where, does this mean I have the house to myself or does it mean I'm spending the evening elsewhere to give them some space.
I really miss the peaceful quietness that I used to experience on my own. I can't seem to stop the thoughts about everything that's going on in my life. It doesn't help that I do get insecure when there is no follow-up date planned with my lovers or when things are left 'to be decided' for too long.
I feel like I need to work on the relationship with myself with as much effort and motivation as I put into the relationships with my husband and my lovers. I seem to come last, these days, because of all this new energy, and I suppose all the attention and new things that are happening are kind of addictive..
Does anyone recognize this? How do I calm myself down and get back to being happy with just myself, the way I used to be?
early forties, straight.