The story of what happened to your ex is either very common, or else I know the story because I've met you and your husband in real life. (Might be the latter!)
I sympathize. I too lost an ex in a way that I am not yet totally over. And I too am terrified of encountering a similar situation, to the point that I am quick to project my issues with my ex onto a new situation.
Which is what I think you're doing here. Your boyfriend has a new friend and he might be a bit intrigued by her because she is a domme. So what?
It doesn't really make sense to assume that all dommes are evil and that she will take him away from his wife and from you.
And if that were
the case, there's nothing you could do about it even if you were close by instead of 2,000 miles away.
Honestly, if he does secretly crave total submission to a domme who will control every aspect of his life, both you and his wife are better off without him.
That's what I feel is missing from your interpretation of what happened with your ex. Surely he
has some blame in what happened? He chose
to give up control of his life. He chose
to treat you badly.
It sounds to me like he's the one with the issues. Not just the domme. You are focused on her betrayal of your friendship, but your ex treated you like garbage. There is something really wrong with him.
The domme may be manipulative and horrible, but your ex must be a deeply unhappy person to need what she provides.
Also, I think the kinky issues may be sidetracking you. Sure, sexual dominance/ sadism can create an unhealthy psychological hold over someone. But I have seen lots
of relationships were one partner is emotionally controlling of the other, and the one being controlled totally changes his/her personality and abandons people who care for him/her.
Most of those relationships are not
kinky--they just involve a manipulative person and an insecure person. (That's part of what happened with my own ex).
What I mean is, I don't think it's the kink that made your ex lose himself. I think he was already lost and unhappy. His domme just pounced on that and convinced him that what he needed was her.
It might help you to meet more people who are kinky but perfectly nice, healthy, caring people? I mean, you clearly have some experience with the kinky community, but you might try harder?
For example, I am seeing a perfectly nice guy who happens to enjoy doing sadistic things when he is in bed with masochistic women. (Which I am not, but it doesn't disgust me to hear about what he does with other women). He is not the least bit controlling or manipulative or hurtful.
On the other hand, he is not kinky beyond the bedroom, and I don't understand the D/s 24/7 dynamic. So maybe that's totally different.
I guess I just think you are going overboard in your hatred of dominants?
However, I'm also wondering why you seem drawn to guys who have submissive tendencies. It does sound like your new boyfriend is intrigued by and attracted to the domme. But the common factor in the equation here is you
If you like sub-ish guys, maybe you should get back into /more into kinky stuff yourself? If you
were an excellent domme, they wouldn't leave you for a horrible domme!
Just some thoughts.