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Old 03-19-2012, 02:43 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by matellas View Post
As for the suggestions if I agree to Poly the thought for me is that getting only half of her is due to my feeling that when you are in a monogamous relationship that one person is always thinking about you and putting you first.
But this isn't true, by your own experience and admission. Not only was your ex definitely NOT thinking of you or putting you first when she cheated and lied in a supposedly monogamous relationship, but your current fiance took time to go out with her friends when you thought she'd be home with you. And I have kids as well, so I also know there are plenty of times when the kids are first anyways! As has already been stated, no one can be another person's everything. We all have friends, family, interests that take up space in our brain. Our brains are amazing things, though. They can handle quite a bit. I spend a lot of time thinking about or talking to my partner, AND I spend a lot of time thinking about or talking to my husband. Sometimes those times overlap, sometimes they don't. They are both far more likely to be affected by having to share time and attention with the kids than with each other, though.

Her deadline, however, is unreasonable. Two months would be far more appropriate than two weeks. If she has the potential for serious feelings for this guy, they're not going to disappear because she waited an extra month or two to try acting on them. And, if you've already been putting a lot of work into improving communication and dealing with the emotional fall-out from your ex, it may be that adding this new question to deal with is putting you on overload, in which case even more time may be needed.

Getting on the same page regarding what you need from each other, what you want, and what your expectations are definitely needs to happen before you get married. It is possible to be happily mono while one's spouse/partner is poly, but it isn't for everyone (or, you could consider the idea of having an additional romantic relationship yourself!). Just be sure you're communicating what you actually NEED, not just what you THINK should be happening because of social conditioning.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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