Out of the shadows to say thanks
I've been a lurker on these pages for a while and wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories and ideas. I don't think I will be here long as I see this is not an option for me if I want to be with my wife, but your words have given me a view into accepting who I am, what I am and the feelings I've felt for over 20 years.
I've always thought that there was no limit to love, and have felt it to one degree or another for many women over my life. I've never understood the "one true love" and have wondered what was wrong with me over that time.
I've been married to a wonderful woman for the past 17 years, and have fought those urges during that time. I've distanced myself from any female friendships as much as possible as a result. I've been aware of polyamory since my first computer in 1995, but it was easier to blame my own inadequacies for my feelings instead.
Moving forward, my best friend has been in a MFF Triad for years, and my wife has been very accepting of their relationship. I finally thought that perhaps she was strong enough to accept that in me, and love me as I am, but my attempt at such has ended in disaster.
I decided three days ago to tell her, and the relief I felt was overwhelming. I finally felt that we could be together honestly and grow closer together, but when I told her yesterday the last 19 years of our relationship was shattered. That I have never loved her completely, and the honestly and safety she counted on was gone. She doesn't think she can ever trust me if I allow myself to love another - physically, emotionally or romantically.
Things are now worse than when I started.